Makes no sense

Ok, I'm going to say it.  Hang on to your witch hats.  Here goes.  I. Hate. Abhor. Halloween.  There.  It's out there now and I feel so much better!  I'm sure relieved to know one of my deep, dark secrets.  Not sure how I got to this point in my life though.  It's been a slow fade to the "other side" of the Halloween spectrum.

I love autumn!  Love the cool fall weather and the color of the leaves and sweaters.  But I cannot stand that Halloween marches in and stomps on my autumn loving mood. I went trick-or-treating as a kid.  I dressed up.  I anticipated what I was going to be the next year on Nov. 1.  I remember those days.  Then sometime around the age of 11 or 12 I just grew out of it and now as an adult I cringe at the thought of Halloween coming up around the corner.  I love candy!  What is wrong with me?  I think God has slowly come into my heart over the years and just taken out those things that are frivolous and meaningless and that I showed no glory to Him while being involved in it.  

My dog had firecrackers lit underneath her during a Halloween prank when I was young and every Halloween, July 4th, firecracker worthy party or bad thunderstorm after that was a nightmare for her.  She died running away from home during a lightning storm.  Tragic.  But that's about how I feel about this morbid holiday.  I just want to run.  I close my door, turn off my light and eat candy in the dark of my own little abode.

Why is it such a loved holiday?  Why is it economically right behind Christmas in sales?  I mean, on it's heels, right behind?  Why do people spend so much money on Halloween?  Maybe that's it for me.  Sometimes during the year it's couch searching time for milk money and seeing how people "budget" for their Halloween expenses makes me nauseous.  And what lesson is in it for our children.  I mean, really.  Have you been in one of those pop-up Halloween stores?  Throughout most of that place I have to shield my daughter's eyes so that she doesn't see that stuff.  Not the scary stuff, the other "adult costumes".  What in the world are people doing on Halloween anyway?!  My daughter begged to go trick-or-treating when we moved into an actual neighborhood.  I made her brothers take her.  I refused to buy a costume so she wore her army outfit her uncle had bought for her for three years in a row.  Then it stopped.  She found no fun in it anymore.  "Can't we just go buy candy at the store Mom?  Then I don't have to go out in the cold."  Smart girl.  Don't judge me.  I don't feel bad about handing down my apathetic attitude about Halloween to her.  I just don't.

Look, I'm weird.  I know this about myself.  I am destined to be a lonely old lady with no friends and family because of my beliefs.  Now, I love me some fall festivals or All Saints Day parties where you play fun games and eat things made with apple and pumpkin and cinnamon!  So, this year, it's no heartbreak for me that I am leaving town on Halloween and won't have to make sure my light is off on the porch to signal the "I don't have any candy to give you" to the local kids looking to score big in the neighborhood.

So, I don't know why I felt the need to write this post.  Because what's really on my heart today is how Jesus prayed for us before he was arrested and crucified!  I know, completely random.  The two don't even relate to each other conceptually!  But, really, did you know that Jesus did that?  And he took the time out of his last day of freedom to pray for us.  It always humbles me to think about it.  It makes me cry reading the scriptures.  How he cried and prayed and tears of blood fell from his eyes and the pores of his skin.  What would you be doing in the last days of your life if you knew you were about to die?  I'd want to not sleep.  I'd want to spend it with those I love memorizing every feature and telling them how much I love them.  I am amazed that Christ prayed for me before I even believed in Him, before I was born, before I was in the womb, before, before, before.  Wow. 

It's the whole chapter of John 17 and I encourage you to read it, like, now.  But here's just the last verse to give you a little taste:

²⁵ “Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me.²⁶ I have made you known to them, and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

I pray for you today.  I pray that you do take time to read about Christ's sacrifice of His life for yours.  I pray that you realize how he sacrificed his last minutes to pray for you.  I also pray that I will spend more of my time praying and thinking about those things that are important to God instead of wasting my time blogging about things I don't like.......gotta go!

Mountains and mole hills

I just had to record this in cyber infamy today that I actually got up by myself with no mental torture and placed running shoes on my feet and went running and.... wait for it..... I actually enjoyed it.  This. Is. Huge.  I never like to run.  I moan and complain and whine and talk ugly to my insides until I am done usually.  But not today.

I'd like to say I've come a long way in this area and that it'll change from here on out, but I know that is not the case.  I'm glad I went, don't get me wrong.  I am very excited that I wasn't miserable and that I actually ran the entire workout without cheating or stopping at all.  But I am not kidding myself here.

What usually happens in my life is that those things that I once made mountains out of mole hills become mole hills again when I am facing a much bigger mountain on the horizon.  I ran the mountain today, but not the one I was supposed to run.  I picked the one that seemed not so daunting and much more doable.  My faults are many in this area.  My mountain is bigger and bigger everyday because I don't face it and go to the top and conquer it.  I just choose to take the trail that leads me up the mole hill, that once used to be my colossal mountain.  It's kind of like when you're a kid and you're riding your bike and you pop a wheely and your tire comes off the ground maybe an inch but you think it you suddenly reached Evil Knievil status!  It seems much bigger than it really is but you keep doing it because you think you're awesome.  Ok, strange analogy...

I don't want to hike that mountain that I have raised in my life.  I don't want to approach it.  I don't even like looking at it from a distance in reverent beauty.  It's ugly.  It has no trees.  It's rocky and full of loose rocks.  It can't be tamed.  It can't be overtaken without pain and suffering on my part.  I will need to sacrifice things in my life that I don't want to sacrifice.  I will have to face the things that scare me the most, relationships, finances and service, just to mention a few.  When I look at this gargantuan piece of my journey it makes me not like myself at all.  It casts a shadow that ironically lights up those things in my personality that are unattractive and harsh and disgusting.

(Wow, this is such an uplifting post, right?  I'm not even PMSing!!!  Hahaha...)

I know I have to face this part of myself that is not living up to giving God the glory.  I know I must surrender to grace and mercy and start dishing it out in my life.  When I was running this morning and listening to my music a song came on that had lyrics so simple, so amazingly beautiful and just what I needed.  There is a line that says, "give your all to Jesus, there is freedom".  Not give your all, like giving your best effort, but giving your all.  Your good, your great, your best but also your ugly, your nasty, your disgusting, your failures, your mountains that you've so meticulously erected in your path.  I need to stop trying to place Jesus back on the cross for my selfishness.  I need to stop spending my time moving the dirt around in my life to build up another mountain and focus on what God has for me to do in my life.  I know it's not this.

So, Gracious and Merciful Savior, first of all, thank you for today!  Thank you for my successful running attempt.  Thank your for my life in this world where you have already claimed it as your territory!  I worship you this morning!  Come into my life today and wipe out the cobwebs in those dark recesses of my soul that need to be used for you.  Help me to tear down the mole hills in my life and throw away my shovel that I carry around to build the mountains with.  Lord, help me to give it all to you today.  You are my rock.  You are my redeemer.  I love you.  Heavenly Father forgive me for my disgusting behavior.  Forgive me for my ugliness in my heart.  Help me to cleanse away those things in my life that break your heart.  Help me to see others and myself the way you see us.  Amen.

I thank God for music in my life.  I hope you enjoy this one as much as I did this morning!!