Warning: May Cause Bruising

This concept of growing up is harrowing.  I pride myself on being a grown up with childlike tendencies.  I know when to act like a grown up, most of the time, and I know when to laugh and have fun.  But in reality no matter how hard you try you can never avoid growing up.  It requires vertical movement of time and the addition of years onto your age.  Your stature changes as you mature and click off the next mark on the door jamb with the appropriate date, which proves you have grown an inch since the last measurement.  You push your way through the educational system or out of the system and find yourself working or studying at a local university or hanging out with the peeps.  But, you're still grown up.  As this is a physical manifestation of time, what about the spiritual, mental, conceptual clicking of the secondhand?  The growing out part?

I've had the privilege and the wonder to see this new vision of growing out in my children.  I had never really thought of it that way, but that defines it much better for me.  Growing out makes the world a bit bigger.  You can grow a tree in the same small pot, but eventually it reaches it's full potential in that small pot and can no longer thrive.  It may stay green, but it will start to look weak, stop producing fruit and just become sad.  Amazing what a find you can get on the clearance rack at your local garden center because the plant "looks" dead.  All it needs is to grow out.  You have to replant from your small environment into the one you're meant to thrive.  Leaving room for roots to spread and runners to shoot off and start their own plants here and there.  Growing out. 

John 15:2

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

It's this pruning part that brings us out of our infancy into a world full of fruit bearers and growth, reaching for the sun.  As I watch my two older boys planting roots far away from me I become an emotional mess.  On one hand I wish I were there to check up on them physically and make sure they had what they needed, pick up the slack, cook them a dinner or two.  But then the pendulum swings and a sense of wonder fills my heart with being here and watching them grow out.  Hearing how they've moved into the direction of growing out.  How each has had their own challenges to meet, decide the course, take action and stay in motion.  It brings my heart joy knowing that they desire to be in motion.  The challenges haven't grown them up too fast, and haven't squelched the desire to move, but have given them the ability to continue to grow out.  Reaching for the Son as guidance hopefully will be their goal.  

In observance of my offspring, though, I have realized that I am also still growing out.  I've lived in the illusion that once my kids were a certain age that I was pretty much an adult myself and that "growing up" or growing out was pretty much a slowed pace, almost a non existence.  But no, I digress.  This stage in my life of letting go of the parental in-house control and giving them up to the heavenly hosts to look after has been one of trepidation.  But growing out with myself and being able to see how God works in their lives is a sweet front row seat ticket!  It's that moment where your aren't dependent on your parents emotionally for growing out, but you grow out in spite of their presence.  I still grow out with my mom by my side a lot, but not because I'm dependent of her for my growth, but because she likes the view and I like having her there to lean on for support, but not life support.  

So, as the scars remain from the pruning I have experienced, they will remain for my children, as well.  But the fruit, as a result of the pruning, tastes ever so sweet and is in such abundance that the scars become a "God and me" badge, one to add to my sash of badges.  God knows what's best.  He knows where you'll thrive the best.  He knows how far away you'll be, but he knows we must continue to grow out.  And the only way out is choosing to grow out instead of just growing up.

I hope you enjoy the warmth of the sunshine, the quenching rains, the stretching of your limbs as you continue to grow out.

Hurdles and all things that make your face hit the concrete....

Ugh.  Yea.  It's pessimistic me, back again.  I have been in the midst of training, or trying to train, for this 10K that is in April.  I do like the exercise and the way I feel after!  I hate the me that I am before I run.  The one who whines all night before bed then wakes up hoping someone will call me with some great reason why I can't run today!  I bitch and moan to my husband, who lovingly and sweetly rubs my back and brings me breakfast and coffee and kisses my forehead WHILE I'm pouting and tells me he loves me.  I know when to pull out the pouting card, but he no longer buys into the rants.  Dang it!  I then go run downtown in front of everyone with the style and grace of Phyllis Diller with her cigarette.  Old Lady style, ya'll, I got that down pat!  I know the girls I run with want to shove me in front of the next garbage truck just to not hear me whine about every ailment I am suffering from this week.....  I think it actually helps them with their workout..... they start running faster and farther away from me.  That's ok, that was my plan to be by myself, I have plenty to talk about with me, that's where it all starts.

When I first started I had some most painful knee problems that were quickly remedied with the right pair of shoes!  Hey, you all must know this if you're ever going to run, get the right pair of shoes.  They will cost you a boat load and you will thank me.  Don't go to the local "shoe store" unless you know they have experience with watching your gait and analyzing how you're running and walking and can really give you what you need in a good shoe.  I mean it.  This is sooo important.

Thank goodness I then contracted "black toenail" or "training toenail".  Ick.  No one ever told me about this!  It's like having a baby and then hating every mother on earth because she lied to you or just never told you what the heck was really gonna happen!  Cruel, people, really cruel.  This sweet little runner's treat comes from pounding the ground over and over with the bottom of your foot, say, like in running.  A blister forms under your toenail and it becomes painful and bruised and will eventually fall off!  Yay!  Let's hit the street for more intervals!  Then it will take 4 to 5 months to grow back.  At least now my mind is off of the soreness of my knee and into my toenail and all of its awesomeness!

Then came the excruciatingly intense hip flexor pain.  Remember when you held that kid on your hip all day and it was really sore that night?  Try carrying two of them and running for an hour downtown!  It hurt, and is still rather sore and it ticks me off.  I need a massage.  I need acupuncture and some hot stone therapy.  And a mug of hot tea with Govi strumming in the background to make it go away.  Hey!  Don't judge me.  It might help because I haven't tried it yet and I think it sounds like great therapy!  At least now my hip pain took my mind off of my toenail.  I need a Yoga class badly......

To top it all off, I fell last week before the snow fell and sliced my hand open.  But, at least it took my mind off of my hip.... My hand is much better, but my hip is still sore!

So, as I recap here, running is awesome!  Vegans, unite!  Cooper River.... watch out!  Who's with me?!  Hoo-Rah!

I'm going to get my icepack now and cry in my pillow.  Kidding.  I am going to run the race, literally, put before me.  I can do it.  None of this will stop me.  None.

1 Corinthians 9:24-26

²⁴ Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. ²⁵ Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. ²⁶ Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air.

It's not you, it's me.....

The wafting smell of a pot roast simmering in Lipton Onion Soup Mix for hours on end can send my mind to a place of love and warmth and friendship and Sunday afternoons.  The taste of homemade ice cream makes me want to put on my pinafore and run around in the church courtyard and play tag.  The sight of my friends Too-Much -Chocolate cake or the Oh-so-yummy carrot cake make me want shrill in delight.  All of these emotions evoked by the sight, smell, taste of food.  For years, I have been an emotional eater.  I'm sad and I need a chocolate cake.  I'm depressed and I need some chips.  I'm lonely and I need a plate of mashed potatoes.  I'm happy and I need to celebrate with Fettuccine Alfredo.  I don't feel anything so I must need something to eat, how about crockpot barbecue!

Food is defined at the Princeton online dictionary as "any substance that can be metabolized by an animal to give energy and build tissue; any solid substance (as opposed to liquid) that is used as a source of nourishment; "food and drink"; anything that provides mental stimulus for thinking."  I like this definition.  It defines food in a scientific manner in its inanimate effect on our bodies.  Afterall, food can't really provide anything else other than nutrition, right?  It can't function as comforter or listener, right?

However, this next definition I absolutely hate and I feel it is what motivates our obesity as a nation.  This one comes from wikipedia and as we know of wikipedia, most is made up by users and isn't necessarily correct in every situation.  The real definition of food isn't this, but as for the cultural definition of food, this one is right on the money.  "Food is any substance, composed of carbohydrates, water, fats, proteins and water, that can be eaten or drunk by animals, including humans, for nutrition or pleasure. Items considered food may be sourced from plants, animals or other categories such as fungus. ..."  So, what makes the last definition so vile, IMO?  Well, it's that one little word.  The "p" word.  Tacking on "or pleasure" in that sentence after nutrition almost cancels out nutrition altogether.  Because if it was about nutrition AND pleasure then we would take both of those words into account.  Right?  When is the last time you did not associate food with some sort of emotion, like pleasure?  "Oh my gosh, that was sooooo good!" Like it took on some sort of orgasmic experience?

I recently read an article by Victor Epand on "Endorphins and the Science of Addictions", and while he was speaking directly to the addictions children have with video games, I honestly believe that this science applies across the board to the addictive behavior we all possess.  Here is what he had to say:

"So what is meant by addiction, as far as doctors and medical practitioners are concerned? Basically, when the body or brain is engrossed in an activity, chemicals are released into the bloodstream, and quickly end up with the brain. These chemicals can make a persons' mood change quite dramatically, cheering them up, making them feel happy or good about themselves, distracted from the stresses and strains of life, and generally feeling positive and satisfied. Similar words and concepts used to describe addictions to drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. When an athlete runs or exercises hard, endorphins are released into the body and these can actually have the effect of giving the athlete a 'high', making them feel a rush of positive happiness. This can become very addictive, just as the body can become addicted to any chemical introduced to the brain which makes the brain feel good. "

This is not an uncommon science.  I am confident in saying that every doctor or health professional, western or eastern, will affirm the beliefs laid out in this article.  If you have an unhealthy lifestyle as an individual or a family and you want to become healthier, you must overcome this  habit of associating food with an emotion.  Divorce your food.  Send it a Dear John and tell it to never darken your door again!  Ok, in the emotional sense, not literal.  You cannot do without food, that is a given.  But food was never placed in your midst to become this idol of sorts that controls your life, controls your health, controls your budget, controls every aspect of your life.  

When I married and became a mom, I expected of myself to grow this gene of love of all things nurturing to my family.  I shopped.  I agonized over meal plans.  I looked for bargains.  I woke up thinking about breakfast, then tried to plan what dinner might need to be and what needed to defrost.  Then it was lunch time already and after I got everything cleaned up from that, it was time to start on dinner.  What the.....?!  I tried hard to appeal to my whole family on the pleasure they would take in every single meal and snack.  I would be heartbroken if they didn't like it.  I would be heartbroken when they did like it, but didn't reaffirm it with accolades for all my hard work I put into preparing, shopping, cleaning up after it, etc, etc, etc.  This led me right to the fridge for some comfort for myself and to the idea that deserts would pretty much make up for whatever was lacking in the dinner.  They usually forgot about what the dinner tasted like if I had a bowl of ice cream waiting for them.  Don't misunderstand me here, I can cook.  Ask my friends and my mother.  I am a damn good cook, if I might say so myself.  But, I was miserable.  My unusual obsession with fear of rejection had made it all the way to my dinner table with the people I trusted to love me more than anything!  Except food, so I thought.  I was associating being a nurturing mother with providing them emotionally stable foods, not necessarily nutritious food.  Thus, the cycle will continue with my children when they grow and leave the house, unless we break up with our food.

Since becoming a vegan a few months ago, I have had some revelations in myself that I have been able to overcome and now see in a whole new light.  It is not my intention in this post to convince anyone to become vegan, although it is an amazing lifestyle change.  No matter how you eat, carnivorous or veganism or vegetarian or pescatarian, whatever, do you eat that way emotionally?  It is, however, my intention to shed light on what kind of emphasis food plays in the life of those who have found themselves here to my blog.  Food, sent to this Earth by the Almighty Father himself, is for your nutrition.  Nutrition that gives you energy to do what God has planned for you in this life.  It's fuel for your muscles and bones and organs.  We've perverted our view of food into this elaborate production and presentation on our own dining room tables to the millions of tables around this world in restaurants.  It, food, takes up more of our time directly and indirectly!!  Think about it.  Do you plan your day around your meals?  What you'll fix or where you'll go?  What about vacations?  I mean really, why is there an ice cream place that sells a gold encrusted ice cream sundae for over $1000?  That feeds a whole different emotion for me.... anger.  Do you know how much nutrition that could provide for a family in need?  Crazy.

It's time.  It's time to have a sit down conversation with your Fridgedaire and it's contents and that of your pantry.  It's time to renegotiate your contract with food in your life, a sort of menu prenup of sorts.  Food is not meant to provide an emotional experience for me.  And when I abuse that, it makes my butt bigger and that makes me emotional and then I turn to the one things that started it in the first place.  Stop making love to your food.  Stop asking it out.  Stop letting it let you down constantly and making you feel tired, mad, bloated, etc.  God intended our bodies for use in his kingdom not the healthcare kingdom or the local gym kingdom.  When I realized that my work for Him suffered because of my unhealthy cravings for my relationship with my lunch, I decided enough was enough.  

Seriously, look at how you cook, prepare and entice your family and yourself to the table.  How about food for purpose not for pleasure?  When God sent the Israelites into the desert, He fed them.  Not something that brought them pleasure, but nutrition so that they wouldn't starve to death.  He loved them.  He loves you and finds you worthy of so much more.  The things that are in your food, if you buy processed, would shock the hell out of you if you knew how it affected your brain and thought processes.  How some are intended to depress you so that you will eat other things that will lift you up, making a vicious cycle.  How there are ingredients that are addictive, making you want for more.  Just like nicotine, baby.  That's a post for another day.

Matthew 6:25
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? "Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to to his life?

Vegan Victories

1.  My pants are falling off.  That is a victory, but not necessarily a good thing when you're at a Christmas Concert!  Lady had to come tell me, "um, honey, your zipper, dear......"  Crap!  Thank goodness it was a side zipper and a clasp on top to hold me together.

2.  I can wear my wedding rings again.  This is huge.  The last time I could wear my wedding rings I think the first Bush was in office.  Ok, maybe not that long ago.  After Hilary got her husband elected and before Lewinski.  IDK.  Anyway, this is so amazing that I can actually put them on and they don't strangle my fingers.  I'm very excited!

3.  I am loving cooking vegan!  With the exception of my new favorite obsession with Marzetti's Putanesca Sauce, which isn't totally vegan (there's anchovies) I am sticking to it!  And you wouldn't believe how amazing the food tastes!  Why didn't I do this sooner?

4.  It has been a transformation for my husband.  He is a wonderful guy and he really wants to see me succeed in this because he knows it's important to me.  He's come a long way with all of this and is really quite amazing with it all.  Poor guy has lost some weight!  Believe me, he can't afford to lose it!  He's been wearing 29"waist jeans since he grew into them in Jr. High!  The good side is that my advice has been for him to eat MORE!

5.  I have some amazing friends who are supporting me and eating my crazy food and loving me through it.  I don't think I will ever turn back.

6.  I feel really good.  I feel really, really good.

7.  I ran over 4 miles last week.  Holy Moly!

8.  God is good.

God Positioning System or GPS

 25.1514"N, 111° 41' 39.1554"W

36.50277, -111.85757

These are no ordinary groups of numbers.  These are not answers to some odd mathematical word problem.  These are some of the most precious numbers in my life right now.  With technology these days it's easy to follow precious cargo down the chilly waters of the Colorado as it snakes its way through the Grandness of the mighty Canyon.  As these are updated every few days I get a glimpse into the life of my 20 y.o. as he is on the trip of a lifetime.  Of course, he may do this again in his lifetime, but this is the first trip, the unknown of the cliff walls and blue-green waters still a mystery every day for him.  The world stops, and, of course, the suspenseful game of Clue, when these numbers come across my email.  I must rush to my computer and plug them into Google Earth and see where they are.  So, they are here:

And one of the most amazing things about this is that David and I can zoom in, pan up, travel up the river where they've come from, travel down the river where they'll head to next, see the upcoming rapids in their future and look at the ones they already passed through.  It's an interesting perspective to be able to sort of see where Adam will be tomorrow before he gets there.  I wonder if he will "get" what God has going on in his life right now?  I wonder if he will appreciate the awe inspiring handiwork that God laid out long ago for him to appreciate now?  I pray that God reveals himself in such a way this trip that Adam is forever changed!

This parallel of coordinates for him and God's coordinates for not only his life, but mine, is something I can't seem to get off of my mind.  I believe God feels the same way about me, about us.  He can see where we've been, knows where we are and knows where we're headed.  He knows the rapids and struggles we've already experienced that have made an impact, or hopefully made one, in order for us to learn from our mistakes and do it differently next time.  He knows there are struggles ahead and rapids to maneuver.  He doesn't keep the water calm.  How boring that would be.  He allows us to willingly put ourselves in our own boats down the rocky crevasses of our lives and paddle through those rough waters.  But knowing that all we have to do is look up to know that He is right there with us.  It's in the beauty around us.  It's in the fact that we actually made it through.  It's in the journey laid out ahead of us years and years before we were even born.  He knows.  God Positioning System.  What are your coordinates?  Where are  you headed?  Have you forgotten where you've been?  Have you learned from those past struggles yet in order to do it differently next time?  There will be a next time.  But just look up.  He created that view for me and you.  He is in constant conversation with us.  He loves us dearly.  He wants us to recognize Him in our lives.  What does your satellite image reveal?

Romans 5:1-5

 ¹ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, ² through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Door into the Canyon

Yesterday my baby, my 20 year old baby boy, left for his trip.  Not an ordinary, run-of-the-mill trip, but a 25 day raft trip down the Colorado River through the Grand Canyon.  My husband and I have been so excited for him to go on this trip.  I mean, really, 20, and turning 21 while on this trip, young man gets to raft the Grand Canyon?!  Who wouldn't be excited and undoubtedly a little jealous.  Yea, I know not all of you are up for such adventure.  Frankly, my knees couldn't take it I'm sure!  But, wow, for him!  10 of his buddies and soon to be closest friends on earth for 25 days, are heading out on the river at 1100 hours Tuesday morning.  He called from the edge of the Grand Canyon last night with a bright moon shining over the Navajo bridge.  He was so cute calling with that giddy voice!

I, however, woke up yesterday with a horrible stomach ache that lasted all day long accompanied by a tremendous headache that went away not long after his phone call.  Yes, excitement for him, but utter terror for me not being able to speak to him until January now.  But, this is life as a parent.  Life where my husband and I have raised our kids to be what they are passionate to be.  To be kids who say yes to making a life and not lose themselves making a living.  Not that making a living is bad, its absolutely essential!  But, making a life makes a boy become a man who becomes a father deep down inside that may be able to come out one day a loooooonnnnggg time from now, but still.  And making a life makes a man still love being a boy enough to stay passionate about fun and love and life and work and ultimately and foremost, Almighty Heavenly Father.

God was shaking his head at me yesterday.  As my brain tried to adjust to my stomach angst, I could hear in my head, "trust me.  Umm... hello, trust me!"  I had slipped down the sticky, gooey, thick slope of worry and couldn't figure out how to get out of it.  Then, a friend, who is always there for me brought me Mark 9:24: " Lord, I believe.  Help me with my unbelief."  She reminded me that I can trust and do trust but that doesn't always take away the yucky feelings.  Wise.  I love her.

I can't wait to see the pictures and hear the stories!  I can't wait to hear his voice in January!  The thing about the door into the Canyon is that once it's open, it will most likely never close again.  Open doors and whitewater canyons!  God speed!

Dear Heavenly Father,

Place your hands around these sons and daughters as they taste the waters of one of the most beautiful places you created.  Help them to know you more.  Help them to feel your presence there.  Keep them safe.  They are in your hands.

Amen.

Hoorays, Boos and an update in the CRB

Hoorays:

-I've lost ten pounds since I put new batteries in my scale!

- I can slide my jeans on and off without unbuttoning them and with no straining difficulties.  How do I know this?  I just tried it and voila!

- I just had the most amazing dinner - bean and brown rice burrito with Better Than Sour Cream and Rice Cheese with Green Chile Enchilada sauce on top.  Soon I will blog about my amazing vegan Thanksgiving treats that EVERYONE really liked!  (or they lied really well)

- I ran again today for training.  I ran on Monday as well.  My knees are much better and I'm not a woos anymore, well, for now anyway.  Cooper River Bridge Run ..... I'm gettin' ready for ya!

Boos:

- I'm missing Colorado more and more everyday, which makes me sad.  I miss my boys, but it's too soon to return there because their still making up their lives for themselves.  Maybe one day........ maybe, if God sees fit.

- The first one is pretty much overriding any other boos I have, so I'm done whining about everything else, except the first one, did I mention that I really miss my boys?  I do.