Gone

This describes so much of my life right now.

Top 10 (In no particular order) Gone Things:

1.  My two oldest boys as they "live" and "love" in Colorado.
2.  The race I've trained for since November is over and done with.
3.  The 40 pounds I am to never see again.
4.  Any clothes that actually fit.
5.  My dreams of being "America's Next Top Model".  I think my age did for me on this one.  Hehe.
6.  The ounce of sanity I once had.  I now need to unbusy my life.  I am feeling the effects of going, going, going.
7.  My fear of dying while running a 10k.
8.  The desire to consume large amounts of food.  My appetite is quite tame now.  Amazing.
9.  The awesome cooking skills I used to have when searing a piece of meat.  Now, just average.  Oh well.
10.  The want for the next thing.  I am content where I am.  God is good.

My competitive side? NOT!

In my training for this 10k next month I have endured things unimaginable to myself.  Never did I think I could run more than 2 minutes at a time, ha!  Now we're running 50 minutes to over an hour!  Never did I think I could run UPhill.  This one makes me giggle.  Really?  Like you can't suck it up and get your booty up the hill, Shannon?  Ok, so I'm a complete weanie-head in this area.  So, my friend that is helping me train tries to find that one thing that will make me forget the pain, or lack of oxygen to my brain, that would motivate me to run the  whole hill and not just give up and walk part of it.  I realized something.  I suck at being motivated to do something that causes me pain and makes me want to puke.  Odd, isn't it?  I know I need to do this to be in the best shape possible for this race.  She has tried so hard to help me in this area.  "Just imagine if Jesus is up there at the top holding out his arms waiting for you."  Then I think, "but if its really Jesus then he will forgive my weaknesses and hug me anyway, right?  Blessed are the weak who have to walk their big ole booty up the hill.  That's biblical right?"  Needless to say, it didn't motivate me.  What does that say about me?!  Then she moved on to other tactics.  "Just picture your daughter up there needing her mother and you have to get to her in a hurry.  Come on, she needs you.  She's waiting."  You know what I did?  I let her down.  I failed.  I suck.  Yep. You guessed it, I walked part of that hill.  She literally had to get behind me and help me run by pushing me up the hill!  Holy moly!  Seriously, Shannon?  You can't even be motivated by that?  What does that say about me?!  I got to the top and she cheered me on, but all I could think about was how I let my daughter down.  How I made her wait because I was too out of breath or lazy or tired or sore to make it to her.  I cried like a freakin' baby.  WTheck?!  Then as I was wallowing in my selfish self-pity tears running down the road I stepped to the edge of the road and twisted my ankle. BOOGERS!!  Immediately in my undeserving beating up of my character God shoved me off the road with a great big, "Really?  That's where you're going with this?  It was only a scenario not the real thing!  You know you would be running on adrenaline if it were true and you would've been there in lightning speed.  Get a grip and turn it off!"

My character has been training as well during this time.  Running is definitely a mental game.  Learning how to run through certain situations no matter how painful or inconvenient it becomes is just a fact of life that I've had to work through.  Amazing how it correlates to  the rest of my life, my spiritual walk, my everyday stuff, etc.  I'm learning how to suck it up.  I'm also learning how to give myself a break, mentally.  I'm also learning that my focus must always be on the Almighty Heavenly Father who is in control of all things.

I will remain thankful everyday for the opportunities I have to run, to walk, to eat, to breathe.  Another day to continue to work in the will of God to his glory.  What will it be today, God?  How big is the hill?  Bring it on. I think.

Like wearing a dozen snuggies

I finally did it.  I honestly didn't realize I had left it undone.  Hadn't thought about it.  Hadn't really crossed my mind at the top of the to-do list.  But God is working on my character boldly and it was just there.  In front of my face the whole time.  Why had I waited so long?  Why?

I packed up her clothes today.  I actually walked into the closet where they lay on the shelves and hung on those cold plastic hangers, unworn for months.  I had to.  She was gone and was not coming back.  I grieved for a moment.  But...... life must go on.  Why was I finding this so hard to do?  You just can't hang on to her stuff any longer.  She will have no use of it where she is.  My life just moves on at this tremendously fast pace and I just hold on to the old stuff thinking it will ground me, save me, center me.  I know this is pish-posh.  I know that I will no longer have need of the memories.  I don't even know why I keep thinking of her this week.  This isn't a special week.  It's not an anniversary of sorts or even remotely important, except that I am alive.  I count my blessings each and every day that my life is granted another day from the good Lord above to do as He sees fit.  I don't always treat my days with the reverence it deserves, mostly taking them for granted until mid-morning then that spirit wells up inside of me that reminds me that breathing is a privilege given by the Almighty Father.  That song is playing in my head...."This is the air I breathe, this is the air I breathe, your holy presence, living in me...."  I worship His very presence in my life today.  Why is it so different today than yesterday?  In some weird twisted way I have come to miss her here.

You see, the woman I used to be has died.  The woman I am in Christ today is different that the one from months ago.  I stared blankly into the mounds of clothes in my closet and wondered if I could do it.  Was I ready?  Was I going to once again fail and return to who I was hiding within myself and not letting God move through me?  It had nothing to do with the weight, yet it had everything to do with the heaviness I was carrying around.  Fear of rejection because I didn't quite fit in with the crowd.  Constantly crossing my arms in front of me to hold my stomach in and my boobs up, hoping my artificial perkiness would trick them into thinking I had it all together!  Huffing and puffing at every opportunity to step it up a bit and keep up with the kids, or walk up the stairs or just sing in church.  In the moment then, I hated her or the me, I should say.  I couldn't stand the sight of her in the mirror every morning.  She made me depressed every single stinkin' day that I saw her reflection staring back at me.  I knew it was me, but I prayed every time that the reflection would be different somehow miraculously changed into the one I used to know.  She was in there and I could feel it, but I kept shoving her down deep and filling her head and her spirit with lies that the world whispered about her when they thought she couldn't hear.

The smaller version of me in my 20's had become like an old friend I once knew but never really kept up with.  I often wondered if I'd ever see her again, if she would make an appearance one day when I least expected her.  It wasn't her slender self that called to me like a siren, but it was the one who was not focused on her outside but longed for the relationship in the inside.  Real.  True. Relationship.

For some reason I had thought that I couldn't have that anymore because of how I was, overweight and pudgy and feeling slothful inside and out.  Not true. My God told me that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" and somehow I let the world, the real one and the one in my head, tell me otherwise.  I had to tell her, the one in the mirror, to her face that I loved her.  Even now it brings tears to my eyes to know that in order to change who I had become that I had to embrace me where I was and love me, all of me.  I had to tell her that I thought she was worthy of so much more before she could leave.  I drove her to her demise.  I forced her away from myself and out into the abyss where other bad attitudes and negative behavior lives in an eternal purgatory.

My mind is free from her.  Although she was a part of me for more than half of my life I know now that she had to leave and I had to be the one to make her go.  It was scary and painful and still will be for a while.  The wounds she left behind will take a while to sift through, but with the help of God I will sort them out and pack them away as well.  I did love her, in all of her glory, but I have come to love me even more now.  The me who can see clearly that even if life pukes in my lap I must thank God for life and praise Him through every storm.  He is my one and only Redeemer.  It is only by His grace and mercy that I continue to grow and that humbles me.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't believe that skinny or healthy makes you better, by any means, on the spiritual front.  I do believe, that for me, I had been hiding myself from God, as if He couldn't see the real me. I was making excuses for not walking in His will because I was too large, or too out-of-shape, etc.  Like Moses begging for God to send the more eloquent Aaron.  I have lifted the veil through the mercy of God to reveal to me a new day.  One that has purpose and meaning and is not obsessed with how I would hide myself today but how I could glorify God today.  I just knew in my heart that I could not do that and still continue to torture the me I was.

Now, back to the packing.....  She's not coming back, so her stuff must go.  Goodbye friend, my comfortable friend.  I can't have you here anymore.  Where shall I send your things?

What used to scare me

Small reminders of where I've been and where I've come are daily reminders of how God moves through my life when I'm not looking.  Just a few months ago I never would've thought I could keep up this vegan lifestyle and now I can't imagine ever going back to the way I used to eat.  Not just that, but my husband has become this changed man through this process.  He has cut back to almost a total vegan lifestyle and he says he feels really good!!  Maybe I'll get him running with me too!!!  My kids are almost there, not quite, but that's ok.  They feel better and are making better choices when they're not with me of what is good to eat and not good for you.

Then the whole running thing has been a milestone in my life.  Never did I think I could keep it up!  Much less run miles at a time!  In the beginning when we were doing interval runs of 1 minute walking, 2 minutes running I thought I would die right then and there.  Two minutes running?!  Really?  Now, as the three of us embark on our 45 minute runs three times a week, we're topping 4 + miles and are amazed at how in the world we have come so far since October.  It makes that 10K seem doable now.  We're conquering the hills and clicking off the miles.  I am so in awe of how God has worked through my character these last months of changing things around in my life.  He is so good to me and my friends and family and watching him work through all of us is humbling and exciting.

I hope you will step out today and do something impossible in your eyes and watch how God works in all out for his will and his work.  May God reveal it to you softly and you grab a hold of it firmly!

Awkward (very sing-songy voice)

Sometimes I get myself into the weirdest spots.  Like last night.  Hmmmm....  what was I thinking?!  Why do I do that?  For free stuff, really?  I don't even wear a ton of jewelry, nor do I think that if I was wearing blue jeans and a ratty old t-shirt that a "90 inches of fun" would make me acceptable to the local grocery store cashier that doesn't even know how to classify popular produce.  "Is this a green pepper?"  No, that's a green apple.  Ok, a little dramatic on that one.  But do I really look more put together with my pearls crocheted around my neck with my stained clothes?  Does the bling make everyone blind to my lacking in laundry washing skills?  And is everything really "fabulous", really?  I think that's a stretch.  I love the disclaimer that it will last forever if..... you don't let any child under the age of 5 handle it while its around your neck, don't wear it in the shower (really, you have to say that?), don't mow the grass with it on, don't sweat, on purpose, in it and if you do then be sure to immediately wash it in a mild soap and rinse immediately with warm water and dry and polish with a soft cloth and place in a dark climate controlled area when not in use.  So, basically for me, just don't wear it.

I was totally blinded by the fact that I would get free stuff if I hosted a party for my friends.  Ha!  My friends saw right through the "don't wear it because it's not guaranteed if you do" clause and didn't buy enough for me to qualify for free stuff.  A night of sparkly awkwardness for what?  No free stuff.  Dang!  But, for a split second while I was modeling said jewelry I looked "absolutely fab"!!!

So, when I said last night that I would host another party, I lied.  I flat out totally lied.  I remember now why I don't do these things.  With the exception of being able to hang out with my friends and family and eat hummus, but I really don't need to sell jewelry to do that.

God just asks of me to love others, not decorate them.

Treadmills and pork rinds

I have learned the game at the YMCA or the Y as they like to be called now.  Jesus is apparently too offensive for their marketing practices.  Anyway, I do believe without a doubt that I am treadmill challenged.  The treadmill use to be my main source of exercise a few years ago at 5 in the morning and we got along fine then.  Now, its after me.  I always feel a little odd about so many of us in one area all running like gerbils in a wheel, but the treadmill takes it to a whole new level.  When I arrive at the treadmill we have a silent conversation between souls.  I say, "do me right and help me to run 5 miles and burn a bagillion calories today, sir."  He just stares back at me as if to say, "just get on and let's see where the conveyor belt lead us, shall we?"    He has no sense of humor.  My quick start has started and up goes the arrow button to kick me into a faster pace.  I had never tried to actually run on the treadmill until the other day.  I had always been so fearful of its power to launch me into the cycles behind me in some awkward spread eagle pose and totally throw Barbie off her pedaling strides.  Wouldn't want that now would we?  But this day was a new day.  One of adventure.  One of risks to be taken.  I had walked really, really fast last time while chatting it up with Liz and had not realized that I had ripped something off my hip bone until later.  My hip hurt so badly that day I thought I would have to go to rehab to learn to walk again, much less run.  With ice packs doned daily I got my nerve back up to tame the horrible beast and this time I would run!  Throwing caution to the wind I bumped him up to 4.6, yee ha, I was running on the treadmill.  I happened to glance next to me at the gazelle's treadmill and she was pushing 6.8 and you couldn't even hear her run.  How does she do it?  I sounded like a stampede of horses running through the room and the treadmill was shaking like my washer does when the load is off balance.  I kid you not, I think that machine shuffled a few inches to the right!  How does everyone else run and the dang thing not move?  I was embarrassed but I stayed the course, for one thing I was scared to death to slow down for fear of being thrown off.  Then this teeny tiny little whisp of a thing climbed on the one to my left and pumped up her speed and got to going.  I had to say a "thank you Jesus" cause she sounded like she had lead feet and I didn't feel so bad about my mobile treadmill anymore.  I will tame that awful beast one day!  I will prevail!  The best part of the YMCA is the sauna.  It lures me into the front doors knowing that just a short time later I can bask in the heat and pretend like a cabana boy is going to bring my drink shortly.  Ah, the joys of exercise...... Now, to ice my hip!

Totally off topic:
After my run OUTSIDE tonight, freezing my buns off, I had to make a trip to the grocery store.  Why do pork rinds get a middle of the floor display and gigantic signage?  And why does the cashier not know the identity of my acorn squash?  Then the navel oranges were in question... tsk, tsk, tsk...sad days at the local supermarket......

Can't fix stupid

A retired high school Physics teacher, an author, a professor of religious studies, a doctor of theology, a preacher's wife, a retired physician, a retired engineer turned high school math teacher turned professor, a doctor's widow, a retired nurse and teacher, a dentist, a minister, a retired government worker, a homeschool mom and a stonemason flooring dude.  What do all of these people have in common?  Born in the same town?  No.  Stood in line at the same coffee shoppe?  Doubtful.  How about a book discussion @ the local scholar's hangout, of course.  Duh.  That last remark is telling of my maturity level in the room.  I mean, what grown up really uses "duh" as a response anymore, right?

  Anywho, this group convenes in a college town close to me.  To drive through this town makes you feel slightly under educated.  Oddly enough, I fell in love with the pillars and the grassy areas of this college town when I was very young.  One of my earliest memories was coming here on one of our vacations to the lake house.  Oh, just to lay soles to the sidewalks made me giddy.  I loved the way you could just close your eyes and practically smell the pipe tobacco wafting from the open windows of the English department!  I wanted to live there someday.  That dream has changed.  I like to visit, but I like my internal organs and the only way I could remotely afford to live there is if I started selling off pieces of myself.

My husband and I are attending this book discussion at the invite of my mother.  Not sure yet whether to say "thank you" to her.... I'll let you know, mom.  Just kidding.  The room was filled with the heaviness of degrees upon degrees upon doctorates that attached themselves as part of the alphabet onto the backsides of each persons introductions.  The room felt like one big comfy wool sweater with a tweed sport coat.  I hung on every word that these folks seemed intent on getting across.  Never in my wildest dreams will I ever feel like speaking in the group as to the discussion of the book.  David and I have resolved to use the smile and head nods as our contributions to the discussion.  An occasional note talking or doodling when the words become to large, so I won't forget to google the definitions later, will be the extent of my participation.  Well, that, and actually reading the book.

The book is called, "The Language of God" by Francis Collins.  I am only into the book a few pages, but am very excited to crack open the spine and carve indelible ink into the margins as I go.  Francis Collins is the head of the National Institute of Health and the Human Genome Project.  He is a believer in God and Jesus Christ as his savior.  The subtitle reads, "A scientist presents evidence for belief".  Born in the Shenandoah Mountains of Va and lived most of his life in NC, he and I have trod in the same paths along the way.  That is where my comparison of my life and his ends.  I am fascinated by the book's premise and am ready to see where God has led Mr. Collins.

The first discussion is done and there will be several Sunday evenings of joking about C.S. Lewis and pondering the importance of science and faith playing nice on the playground together.  I feel certain the discussion will be lively and quite eye opening.  After all, the backgrounds are diverse, the directions in which each of us think about science and faith are as vast as the universe itself.  No, really, the Theology doctor was sitting beside the lady who said, "I pray like God is a person, but I really don't believe that, so basically I pray to the universe.  Oh, and by the way, I will just be honest, I believe in reincarnation, too."  Ok, then.  This will be awesome!  I just hope no one finds out I never actually graduated from college or I might get kicked out of class....

I am including a video of the author at a commencement speech at the University of Michigan.  It really is quite entertaining and will make you want to know more about this book by way of his sense of humor!  I hope you enjoy!  God bless.