Who are you on the inside?

My life is in a constant state of movement.  Which is the way I roll, til recently.  I have just wanted to do nothing but sit on my rear and watch things go by.  I don't want to leave the confines of my home, yet I don't want to be here and I definitely don't want to do anything, i.e. housework.  Part of my day is busy with baby squeezins on the cutest little 6 month old that isn't from my gene pool.  She's a cutey patootie!  Then when she's sleeping, like now, I just want to check out.  Don't want to think about all that is going on around me, even those things that need my attention, like my housework, my online class, my follow ups on different things, etc.  All of which are important, but for some reason I just don't care much about any of it.  I want to be laying on the beach today.  Yesterday it was the mountain cabin in Colorado which is nice, but the beach is closer and most likely more attainable to actually do.  But yet again an unrequited dream for today.


Then the butterflies in my stomach start to flutter incessantly and I want to find something to change my focus before I curl up in the corner and start to cry.  A few tears will fall and my stomach ends up in my throat and I can't deal with that right now, so I try to stuff it all back down and just swallow really hard.  And, there, back to normal, or whatever normal is for now.  But then the nausea sets in and I wish I were crying again, but not really.


My children are wonderful.  For two of them, they are not my life's work anymore and I'm not sure how to appropriately train my brain and my heart to realize that letting go and letting God is exactly what I need to get used to doing for them now.  My role has changed from a teacher to a nurturing mentor.  Which basically means knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

The above Italicized piece of my post was written months ago, but is exactly what I am still feeling today.  It's ludicrous, my attitude.  I have no reason what-so-ever to be so negative and in such a bad mood all of the time.  Want to know why?  Community.  My life of people around me.  Those whom God has placed in my midst at the perfect time for me to glean from, listen to, be encouraged by.  But what do I do?  I continue to stay in my poor pitiful me mood and believe the lies that are whispering in my ear and trying to force them to be my reality when I know its totally untrue.

I have:

-A husband who tells me all the time, "I love you."  "You're beautiful."  And who constantly wants to be with me.

-A friend who reminds me every time a see her when I ask how she's doing, "I am choosing to be good" that it is my choice to decide what kind of crappy attitude I am going to have or if I am going to choose to be different today.

-Friends and family who constantly make me feel comfortable having them over, when my house is a complete mess, they just turn their eyes and enjoy the fellowship of each other.

-Friends who are always complimenting my cooking.

-Besties that I can text my crappy attitude woes and they offer me Starbucks!!!

-Brothers and a sister who always say they love me.

-A mother who always wants to hang out with me and help me with my housework and I make her sit and talk, instead (why do I do that?)

-A dad who would literally drop EVERYTHING for me if I asked him to do so.

-A job that allows me to smile at a baby everyday and she smiles at me regardless of my crankiness.  

-A set of friends who bring their baby to me everyday because they trust me to care for her and love her like they do and they constantly tell me they appreciate me.

-Children who love me, laugh with me, put up with me, call me and call me mom, momma, mother.

-A God who loves me enough to orchestrate all of the above just for me, each and every day of my life.

I am ungrateful and so unworthy of all my blessings through the people in my life.  But God is aware of that too and He sends them anyway.  I pray that I will continue to add to this list daily and come to appreciate and reciprocate what God has done for me by doing for others.  I am blessed to be within the warmth of the blanket God has woven for me.  The blanket weaved from those souls, believers and unbelievers, that God believes to be useful in my life if I would just stop listening to my own selfish lies and start hearing the music around me in these people.  I intend to turn up the volume today and lend an ear to the truth.

 “‘I saw the Lord always before me. 

   Because he is at my right hand, 

   I will not be shaken. 

²⁶ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; 

   my body also will live in hope, 

²⁷ because you will not abandon me to the grave, 

   nor will you let your Holy One see decay. 

²⁸ You have made known to me the paths of life; 

   you will fill me with joy in your presence.

-Acts 2:25-28