Prayer

Dear Lord,
Help me to find the time to read your word, pray with you, spend time with you alone, love, live, laugh, blog, run, smile, etc.
AMEN!!
love,
me

Who are you on the inside?

My life is in a constant state of movement.  Which is the way I roll, til recently.  I have just wanted to do nothing but sit on my rear and watch things go by.  I don't want to leave the confines of my home, yet I don't want to be here and I definitely don't want to do anything, i.e. housework.  Part of my day is busy with baby squeezins on the cutest little 6 month old that isn't from my gene pool.  She's a cutey patootie!  Then when she's sleeping, like now, I just want to check out.  Don't want to think about all that is going on around me, even those things that need my attention, like my housework, my online class, my follow ups on different things, etc.  All of which are important, but for some reason I just don't care much about any of it.  I want to be laying on the beach today.  Yesterday it was the mountain cabin in Colorado which is nice, but the beach is closer and most likely more attainable to actually do.  But yet again an unrequited dream for today.


Then the butterflies in my stomach start to flutter incessantly and I want to find something to change my focus before I curl up in the corner and start to cry.  A few tears will fall and my stomach ends up in my throat and I can't deal with that right now, so I try to stuff it all back down and just swallow really hard.  And, there, back to normal, or whatever normal is for now.  But then the nausea sets in and I wish I were crying again, but not really.


My children are wonderful.  For two of them, they are not my life's work anymore and I'm not sure how to appropriately train my brain and my heart to realize that letting go and letting God is exactly what I need to get used to doing for them now.  My role has changed from a teacher to a nurturing mentor.  Which basically means knowing when to keep your mouth shut.

The above Italicized piece of my post was written months ago, but is exactly what I am still feeling today.  It's ludicrous, my attitude.  I have no reason what-so-ever to be so negative and in such a bad mood all of the time.  Want to know why?  Community.  My life of people around me.  Those whom God has placed in my midst at the perfect time for me to glean from, listen to, be encouraged by.  But what do I do?  I continue to stay in my poor pitiful me mood and believe the lies that are whispering in my ear and trying to force them to be my reality when I know its totally untrue.

I have:

-A husband who tells me all the time, "I love you."  "You're beautiful."  And who constantly wants to be with me.

-A friend who reminds me every time a see her when I ask how she's doing, "I am choosing to be good" that it is my choice to decide what kind of crappy attitude I am going to have or if I am going to choose to be different today.

-Friends and family who constantly make me feel comfortable having them over, when my house is a complete mess, they just turn their eyes and enjoy the fellowship of each other.

-Friends who are always complimenting my cooking.

-Besties that I can text my crappy attitude woes and they offer me Starbucks!!!

-Brothers and a sister who always say they love me.

-A mother who always wants to hang out with me and help me with my housework and I make her sit and talk, instead (why do I do that?)

-A dad who would literally drop EVERYTHING for me if I asked him to do so.

-A job that allows me to smile at a baby everyday and she smiles at me regardless of my crankiness.  

-A set of friends who bring their baby to me everyday because they trust me to care for her and love her like they do and they constantly tell me they appreciate me.

-Children who love me, laugh with me, put up with me, call me and call me mom, momma, mother.

-A God who loves me enough to orchestrate all of the above just for me, each and every day of my life.

I am ungrateful and so unworthy of all my blessings through the people in my life.  But God is aware of that too and He sends them anyway.  I pray that I will continue to add to this list daily and come to appreciate and reciprocate what God has done for me by doing for others.  I am blessed to be within the warmth of the blanket God has woven for me.  The blanket weaved from those souls, believers and unbelievers, that God believes to be useful in my life if I would just stop listening to my own selfish lies and start hearing the music around me in these people.  I intend to turn up the volume today and lend an ear to the truth.

 “‘I saw the Lord always before me. 

   Because he is at my right hand, 

   I will not be shaken. 

²⁶ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; 

   my body also will live in hope, 

²⁷ because you will not abandon me to the grave, 

   nor will you let your Holy One see decay. 

²⁸ You have made known to me the paths of life; 

   you will fill me with joy in your presence.

-Acts 2:25-28

Escaping and panic attacks

If it were up to me, today, right this minute, my reality would consist of sitting in a cabin, a small one, in the woods of Colorado watching the Aspen trees ready themselves for autumn.  Yep, when I close my eyes to have my Calgon moment it is that scene playing in my head.  So what's wrong with that?  Nothing really, except that it just seems cruel to be there every time my eyes close.  Those stupid desires and dreams we have in our lives taunting us.  Why does God let me have these desires knowing we cannot fulfill them.  I want to sit on the front porch with the chill of the air lingering til mid-morning.  Stay curled up in a Woolrich blanket and sip my fourth cup of coffee.  Homeschool my children using every book from The Lamplighter reading into the night by candlelight and the warmth of the woodstove roaring in the corner.  Sounds pretty dang awesome, right?  Ok, some of you might not think so, but it sounds like nothing short of heaven for me and I'm pretty sure that my husband would be right there with me on this one.  But, really, back to the original question, "what's wrong with that?"  Nothing really.  Most people live their lives the way that they want to without thought or regard to much else.  I'm for the "what about me" attitude right now, cause I'm in that mood so brace yo-self.  Here's my 12 month plan.  Yea, life's too short for the 3 year version.

Plan:

Save money

Buy property for cheap in Colorado

Build log cabin, open floor plan, minimalistic furnishings

Move into above cabin

Plant garden

Watch children and garden and marriage grow into something amazing

Can every fruit and vegetable under the sun

Hunkerdown for winter

Light fire in woodstove

Buy more Woolrich accessories

Crochet entire wardrobe

Start learning how to use a loom

Shovel snow off of roof

Get ready for spring

Start over again for the next 12 month plan

A great list, of course a little too much about tactics and less about concepts......  I struggle so hard with wondering why I can't have this life.  No, really, it's quite sad.  Will I be on my death bed with regrets in this area?  IDK.  Here's why.  I believe in a God, a wonderful, omnipotent one.  One that has laid out for me a plan for my life to follow His will in my life.  While God is definitely everywhere I go, like the mountains of Colorado, my heart just feels suffocated sometimes by the life I lead.  One of doing the "right" thing, living my life honoring God and walking the road he wants me to travel.  I know that He will provide for my families' every need, I know that, He has proven it time and time again.  There are times that my hubby and I discuss how amazing it would be to be missionaries, anywhere.  Or to travel from disaster relief to disaster relief and sharing the hope of Christ to those in need.  But then through fear or laziness or lack of knowledge I cower in the corner of my mind and click my heels together wanting to just be in the solace of that cabin.  That stupid, adorable, rustic, amazing cabin.  I want to pray, but don't want to hear.  Or maybe I will get the answer I desire.  Or maybe my desire will morph to meet the will of the Almighty and when I open my eyes there before me will lie my desire.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

-Galatians 2:20

Status Updated

I am a Facebook fanatic.  Not so much to let others know what it is I'm doing every second of the day, but really just to keep up with friends and offer encouragement when I can.  I take it on as a very different social media for me.  Some join to find their soulmate or to reconnect with old friends or for networking, etc.  I just like it because as I am locked away in my house most days it gives me a way to get out into the world while still sitting on babies and doing laundry.  Sometimes, however, things come across that just really put into perspective how we are all in different places in our lives, whether spiritual growth or just plain existing in society.  Here's the one that caught my eye today, names have been changed to protect the "friends" in my list:

Jane Doe Gooder: Ever done something nice for somebody and wonder why? I'm questioning myself right now!

Ok, let's get this straight. I used to live a life of "do", then wait for affirmation, then pat myself on the back, then do again and wait for more affirmation. But what happened for me was that when I didn't get the affirmation, my feelings got hurt, my heart hardened and I no longer felt like giving anybody anything. What was wrong with people didn't they understand the effort I put in to making their day better? Wasn't my gift amazing enough to deem a simple accolade? Then loud and clear in God's sweet and simple way, He asked the same of His gift to me. Wasn't my gift enough for you? But here is the difference. My attitude in giving was certainly not the same as the Heavenly Father's attitude of giving. He gave because He loved me. He gave because He wanted to give. I was giving to get, which is not giving at all.

Matthew 6:3-4 But when you give to the needy (or to those you love), do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing (give so often and so much that it becomes like breathing, involuntary), so that your giving may be in secret (even a secret from yourself). Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Forgive me for the parenthetical paraphrase, but it gets my point across through this scripture.  Like breathing, you don't think about EVERY breath you take until its hard to breathe.  I want to practice giving so I stop thinking about giving and it does not become hard to give.

So, update your spiritual status and let us all know "what's on your mind".  Imagine if Jesus had a facebook and recounted everything through his status.

"Ungrateful people.  Fed thousands then told them the Good News and they all left."

"Being crucified tomorrow.  Probably won't be on here for a while.  At least three days."

"Funniest thing happened today.  I walked on water and Peter fell in.  Too funny. LOL!"

Ok, probably not with that attitude, but ......

God bless your every breath today!

Love.

B-, C+ and She Daydreams in Class

Most of my school years were described with the above, with some "talks too much in class" thrown in and a little bit of "she is a great student".  Everything I needed to know I learned in ........ just rang through my head and frankly still does.  I am such a daydreamer no matter where or what I am doing, my mind is wandering here and there.  Things to do.  Oh, why?  Seriously, why?  I can't take it with me when I leave this earth, so why?  Thank goodness that pile of laundry will not follow me to the heavens!  Although for my sis-in-law, she's love it.  She loves laundry.  Ick.

I have been on an average path my whole life.  Eh, whatever.  C'est la vie.  Whatever shall be, shall be.  It's killing my exercise routine among other things. I find my time sucked out of my day by things that I can't even recall their existence when I lay my head on the pillow rather than those things I really need to be doing, focusing on and making a priority. I love to sometimes be anywhere but where I am.  Like I am more secure in the depths of my fantastic imagination than anywhere in my reality.  It happens with my devotionals on a daily basis.  I'm in God's word and daydreaming about what awaits me later that day.  Or I justify multi-tasking my quiet time by doubling it up with reading my emails.  You know, the subscribed daily devotionals...... yea, not the same.

I do not believe that the daydreaming process is a bad behavior inherently, but getting out of hand like mine does, it does become somewhat of a life sucking manifestation of my spiritual journey.  When I find myself not staying on track with my daily quiet time and bible study I become distracted more easily and find that my daydreams become these thoughts of wild, weird, awful events and travels that just overwhelm my thoughts.  Last few weeks I've been convinced that I have some sort of life threatening disease because of a strange pain I've never felt before.  I have come to understand that the pain is derivative of the 15+ pound hunk of baby fat I tote around 10 to 11 hours out of the day.  But because I have resorted to finding other ways to take up my time, i.e. Netflix, Facebook, randomness and have not stayed the course with my walk with God, I let in all kinds of negative influences on my life.  I don't really know if I am disease ridden, but highly doubtful.  What I do know is that I am going to need more of my Heavenly Father's influence in my life to cope with something like that.  To bring me hope, joy.  "Be transformed by the renewing of your mind" in Romans 12 is so true.  Both ways, good and bad.  You will transform your mind if you fill it with drivel, you will get slime and sludge and nothing of substance.  If you fill it with the all powerful wisdom from the God above you will find hope and peace and joy in this crazy life here on earth.

I'm up for the joy.  How about you?

Christ brings us new life through the transforming power of his love.  Take a moment this week.  I am going to try.  And try without daydreaming about silliness, but daydreaming about those heavenly things, that's where I'll start.

And then, there was this on my blog page to the right of my new post and I thought it was worth sharing here.

Eumorpha pandorus, yea bless you!

This darling little (ha!) creature was hanging out on our screened door the other day at the crack of dawn because we forgot to turn off the front porch light from the night before.  Holy moly.  He, or she, was huge!  Of course, I had to go wake up Sarah so she could take a look at it and do her normal researching to find out "what the world" it was.  Hence the pictures that follow.  Eumorpha pandorus, or otherwise know as the Pandorus Sphinx Moth, is it's correct identification.  Pretty amazing creature.  Even more mind boggling is that the caterpillar from whence it came is a bold red fat looking guy with white spots!  God is amazing to detail, isn't he?

Then there was this guy:

We don't know exactly what in the world he was except really ticked off and very grouchy!  Our cat tried to figure it out, but to no avail.  It has monstrous looking pinchers and funky wings!  It was on attack with those pinchers going crazy.

So, when Sarah is not doing her entomology, she has taken on a new venture!!  Vegan dog treats!  I would love to go into some wild story about wanting to get my dogs on a raw diet and what-not, but really it's just because I am too cheap to buy dog treats at the store and I had all of these ingredients in my cabinets!

So, here ya go:

1 1/2 cup water and 3 tbs vegetable oil in the mixer and mixed a bit.

Mix together 3 1/2 cups of whole wheat flour, 1/2 oatmeal, 1/2 cup of pumpkin seeds, 1/2 cup diced carrots, 1/2 cup diced celery in a separate bowl then add it to the water and oil and mix.

Roll out onto the counter after kneading it a bit.  (Rolling it into the shape of the state of Louisiana is completely optional.)  Roll about 1/4" thickness and cut into whatever shape floats your boat or butters your toast.

She was doing these for training bits, so small rectangles is what we were going for here.

The actual recipe said to cut into dog bones and she tried a few of those and was glad we did small rectangles for the rest!

And Virginia and Chantilly are happy campers so far!