I am a mom. Not everyone has the privilege to say that. Not everyone wants to be one. But I am one of those. My children are a true gift from God, each and every one. There were moments in my life that I thought maybe "gift" was a bit much. The pain of childbirth should've been an indication on what motherhood was going to be like. Waiting in anticipation for months on end. Having this plan in my head on what it would be like during labor, how I would act, what David would say, how I would be different than the rest of any of the moms out there. Whatever. In the moment of the most intense pain you've ever had the privilege to feel you find out who you are on the inside and the character of your true self. It gave me a window into myself to want to run like hell away from the pain, but be in the moment knowing what was coming soon.
It wasn't my idea of how my life would go, having five children ages 10 & under by the time I was 30. I was influenced by the culture of my 20's, tv, radio, magazines and my future scrapbook in my head. I had mentally cut and pasted pictures into my future that would define me and make me successful. Pictures of candid moments that would show a strong business woman with a sense of purpose for changing the world one happy bride at a time. I was going to make a difference. It was there in my head all organized and catagorized and blinged out with shiny stickers and words made of rhinestones on pages and pages of cute colorful paper. And I thumbed through these pages, over and over, as I grew. That was me.
I think back on my spiritual life and how I came to know a man named Jesus. I'm not a typical follower of Christ that knows the day and time and what I was wearing when I made a committment to seek the will of the Heavenly Father. I was lucky enough to be raised in a loving home that provided me the opportunity to fellowship at church each week with a family of believers that loved me. I knew who Christians were. I knew the Father, Son and Holy Spirit by lyrical definitions. I had heard the bible stories, the ones I now wonder why they introduce to children. Noah's Ark, really? The death of most of humanity was a person's idea of a good way to bring children to know the Gospel? Yea, ok. I hadn't become who I was to become when I was going to meet Jesus within myself. My life was lined out in this focused line that I could almost see the finish line from where I stood and it looked great! Then it happened. This heartbeat of a child started to echo inside the pulsating veins within me. Immediately my life was no longer my own. I was renewed with a sense of passion for this human that was growing inside of my life.
God was suddenly the most real thing I had. He was the counselor. He was the grace-filled, mercy-giving Heavenly Father that chose my life to bring this little one into. Had He not seen my scrapbook? Had he not heard my wonderful schemes of bringing peace to the world through wedding planning? I knew my life was going to change but I honestly thought it would be an addition to my plan, not a game changer, so all was good. I had no idea I was on the cusp of a season of my life that was more nourishing to what I was to become than I had ever imagined.
The end of my life, that was so visible before with my neat little package, was now so blurred with the reality of the moment. I was no longer interested in being able to see each step I was to take and how it would all turn out at the finale of life here on this planet for me. I was in life school each and every day learning what was going on inside of me. In awe and wonder of how the human body can be host to the Creator's plan and be so miraculously amazing. Not just the physical changes and growing arms and legs and an eyeball within a span of weeks but my soul was changing. My character was evolving into this person I knew I could be, or that I knew I wanted to be.
His eyes were enchanting. His cry was mesmorizing. His power over me was humbling. That was the moment when I realized that something I hadn't necessarily chosen to be was who I was and it was all because of Him. Adam defined me as his mother. I was ecstatic to be chosen to be so. And so it began.
With each of my subsequent children I became mom all over again in new ways that I knew nothing of. Adam paved the way that I was mom, but each child brought his or her God given personality to the table that had me in an ever-changing mode of parent. What worked for one, didn't for another and so on. But, I was still mom, no matter how each of them grew. Each pregnancy was different, each child was different and each mom I became was different than the last. I grew in my knowledge of my children, but I also grew in my knowledge of myself. I learned who I was in certain situations, falling down, getting up and riding their bikes. I learned what levels of pain I could tolerate. The pain of each coming into this world and the pains of watching each grow. The pains of watching each leave the arms of their loving mother and the pains of knowing it was what I was created to endure.
The pain that brings wonder and joy and peace to my life because I know it is who I am. A mother. I have endured painful things in my life with each of my children and it has brought me that much closer to knowing the ultimate joy of motherhood when the pain subsides and I see my kiddos are evolving into the people God wills for each of them to become. I am mom. I have no desire to see what the end of my life will bring because I am too enamored with the joys of each day.
The scrapbook? Ha! I'm lucky if I get photos to make it to the bulk "photo trunk"! I have all the memories stored in my heart waiting for them to grow even more as the lives of each of these children becomes their own and I get the privilege to watch it happen. I am a lucky mom. I am so glad God knew who I was to become and made me realize that its amazing. Happy Mother's Day to those kids that make me Mom. I love you.
