Escaping and panic attacks

If it were up to me, today, right this minute, my reality would consist of sitting in a cabin, a small one, in the woods of Colorado watching the Aspen trees ready themselves for autumn.  Yep, when I close my eyes to have my Calgon moment it is that scene playing in my head.  So what's wrong with that?  Nothing really, except that it just seems cruel to be there every time my eyes close.  Those stupid desires and dreams we have in our lives taunting us.  Why does God let me have these desires knowing we cannot fulfill them.  I want to sit on the front porch with the chill of the air lingering til mid-morning.  Stay curled up in a Woolrich blanket and sip my fourth cup of coffee.  Homeschool my children using every book from The Lamplighter reading into the night by candlelight and the warmth of the woodstove roaring in the corner.  Sounds pretty dang awesome, right?  Ok, some of you might not think so, but it sounds like nothing short of heaven for me and I'm pretty sure that my husband would be right there with me on this one.  But, really, back to the original question, "what's wrong with that?"  Nothing really.  Most people live their lives the way that they want to without thought or regard to much else.  I'm for the "what about me" attitude right now, cause I'm in that mood so brace yo-self.  Here's my 12 month plan.  Yea, life's too short for the 3 year version.

Plan:

Save money

Buy property for cheap in Colorado

Build log cabin, open floor plan, minimalistic furnishings

Move into above cabin

Plant garden

Watch children and garden and marriage grow into something amazing

Can every fruit and vegetable under the sun

Hunkerdown for winter

Light fire in woodstove

Buy more Woolrich accessories

Crochet entire wardrobe

Start learning how to use a loom

Shovel snow off of roof

Get ready for spring

Start over again for the next 12 month plan

A great list, of course a little too much about tactics and less about concepts......  I struggle so hard with wondering why I can't have this life.  No, really, it's quite sad.  Will I be on my death bed with regrets in this area?  IDK.  Here's why.  I believe in a God, a wonderful, omnipotent one.  One that has laid out for me a plan for my life to follow His will in my life.  While God is definitely everywhere I go, like the mountains of Colorado, my heart just feels suffocated sometimes by the life I lead.  One of doing the "right" thing, living my life honoring God and walking the road he wants me to travel.  I know that He will provide for my families' every need, I know that, He has proven it time and time again.  There are times that my hubby and I discuss how amazing it would be to be missionaries, anywhere.  Or to travel from disaster relief to disaster relief and sharing the hope of Christ to those in need.  But then through fear or laziness or lack of knowledge I cower in the corner of my mind and click my heels together wanting to just be in the solace of that cabin.  That stupid, adorable, rustic, amazing cabin.  I want to pray, but don't want to hear.  Or maybe I will get the answer I desire.  Or maybe my desire will morph to meet the will of the Almighty and when I open my eyes there before me will lie my desire.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

-Galatians 2:20