Forget about it.

I'm a vegan. I'm a vegan. I'm a vegan.  I say these words to myself everyday.  I have lived this way now for almost 2 years.  I find myself repeating these same words to others very often and then having to define what it means over and over.  I get that.  I am not complaining.  I am not trying to force anyone to do the same.  I am just trying to survive here people.  Everyday I wake up to the same freaking voice in my head that talks me out of exercising and talks me out of my early morning devotionals and talks me out of NOT eating those peanut butter m&m's that are from the devil's kitchen!!!!  They are not vegan, by the way.  I hate that little voice.  It is taking over my life and my body once again.  I had divorced that voice 2 years ago and said I would never ask it out again.  But here I am.  Failing miserably at being healthy.  But how, you ask, can a vegan be unhealthy.  Well, let's just say sugar and flour are vegan and I can bake and make some awesome crap to eat that has no animal parts and pieces and sit my #$$ on the couch all day and not burn it off.  I do this day in and day out.  I.  Am.  Tired.  Of.  Failing.  I am tired of turning right back into the same me I said I would never be again.  Why do I do this?  Why do I fall back into this sea of pitch black sludge and find myself perfectly comfortable there for a long period of time?  I don't even realize when I have stopped breathing and that the sludge is slowly filling my positive attitude until it chokes to death. I've tried being one with the man upstairs.  It does help.  But I find myself failing miserably at wanting to spend time with Him everyday.  I heard someone quote that if you read the bible out of obligation then it was for the wrong reasons.  I want to learn more and be deep within His presence on a daily basis, but that's it.  A desire.  Nothing more.  I can't seem to jump start that engine and get my spiritual good mood back in its place.  I am human.  I tend to suck at follow through on anything.  Except this vegan thing.  I am and have been meat free for two years and animal protein free for two years unless someone sneaks in a bit of cheese in my order.  But I have gained back a portion, and only a small portion of my weight.  But enough for me to chalk it up to one more thing I suck at.  Yes, I realize I just ended my sentence with a preposition.  I apparently forgot everything I learned in school.  Hmmm.... there is a pattern here.  So, my pity party is over, well its over in front of you.  I had no party favors to hand out with this one.  Maybe next time.  There will be a next time I'm sure. Ugh.
Pray for me.  Please.  I don't know how to kick myself in the butt anymore.