Like wearing a dozen snuggies

I finally did it.  I honestly didn't realize I had left it undone.  Hadn't thought about it.  Hadn't really crossed my mind at the top of the to-do list.  But God is working on my character boldly and it was just there.  In front of my face the whole time.  Why had I waited so long?  Why?

I packed up her clothes today.  I actually walked into the closet where they lay on the shelves and hung on those cold plastic hangers, unworn for months.  I had to.  She was gone and was not coming back.  I grieved for a moment.  But...... life must go on.  Why was I finding this so hard to do?  You just can't hang on to her stuff any longer.  She will have no use of it where she is.  My life just moves on at this tremendously fast pace and I just hold on to the old stuff thinking it will ground me, save me, center me.  I know this is pish-posh.  I know that I will no longer have need of the memories.  I don't even know why I keep thinking of her this week.  This isn't a special week.  It's not an anniversary of sorts or even remotely important, except that I am alive.  I count my blessings each and every day that my life is granted another day from the good Lord above to do as He sees fit.  I don't always treat my days with the reverence it deserves, mostly taking them for granted until mid-morning then that spirit wells up inside of me that reminds me that breathing is a privilege given by the Almighty Father.  That song is playing in my head...."This is the air I breathe, this is the air I breathe, your holy presence, living in me...."  I worship His very presence in my life today.  Why is it so different today than yesterday?  In some weird twisted way I have come to miss her here.

You see, the woman I used to be has died.  The woman I am in Christ today is different that the one from months ago.  I stared blankly into the mounds of clothes in my closet and wondered if I could do it.  Was I ready?  Was I going to once again fail and return to who I was hiding within myself and not letting God move through me?  It had nothing to do with the weight, yet it had everything to do with the heaviness I was carrying around.  Fear of rejection because I didn't quite fit in with the crowd.  Constantly crossing my arms in front of me to hold my stomach in and my boobs up, hoping my artificial perkiness would trick them into thinking I had it all together!  Huffing and puffing at every opportunity to step it up a bit and keep up with the kids, or walk up the stairs or just sing in church.  In the moment then, I hated her or the me, I should say.  I couldn't stand the sight of her in the mirror every morning.  She made me depressed every single stinkin' day that I saw her reflection staring back at me.  I knew it was me, but I prayed every time that the reflection would be different somehow miraculously changed into the one I used to know.  She was in there and I could feel it, but I kept shoving her down deep and filling her head and her spirit with lies that the world whispered about her when they thought she couldn't hear.

The smaller version of me in my 20's had become like an old friend I once knew but never really kept up with.  I often wondered if I'd ever see her again, if she would make an appearance one day when I least expected her.  It wasn't her slender self that called to me like a siren, but it was the one who was not focused on her outside but longed for the relationship in the inside.  Real.  True. Relationship.

For some reason I had thought that I couldn't have that anymore because of how I was, overweight and pudgy and feeling slothful inside and out.  Not true. My God told me that I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" and somehow I let the world, the real one and the one in my head, tell me otherwise.  I had to tell her, the one in the mirror, to her face that I loved her.  Even now it brings tears to my eyes to know that in order to change who I had become that I had to embrace me where I was and love me, all of me.  I had to tell her that I thought she was worthy of so much more before she could leave.  I drove her to her demise.  I forced her away from myself and out into the abyss where other bad attitudes and negative behavior lives in an eternal purgatory.

My mind is free from her.  Although she was a part of me for more than half of my life I know now that she had to leave and I had to be the one to make her go.  It was scary and painful and still will be for a while.  The wounds she left behind will take a while to sift through, but with the help of God I will sort them out and pack them away as well.  I did love her, in all of her glory, but I have come to love me even more now.  The me who can see clearly that even if life pukes in my lap I must thank God for life and praise Him through every storm.  He is my one and only Redeemer.  It is only by His grace and mercy that I continue to grow and that humbles me.

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't believe that skinny or healthy makes you better, by any means, on the spiritual front.  I do believe, that for me, I had been hiding myself from God, as if He couldn't see the real me. I was making excuses for not walking in His will because I was too large, or too out-of-shape, etc.  Like Moses begging for God to send the more eloquent Aaron.  I have lifted the veil through the mercy of God to reveal to me a new day.  One that has purpose and meaning and is not obsessed with how I would hide myself today but how I could glorify God today.  I just knew in my heart that I could not do that and still continue to torture the me I was.

Now, back to the packing.....  She's not coming back, so her stuff must go.  Goodbye friend, my comfortable friend.  I can't have you here anymore.  Where shall I send your things?