When you must "shut the front door"

I laugh at the commercial where the family is trying the new product, that currently escapes my memory as to what it is, and the mother exclaims in joy, "shut the front door" and I think she's going to actually say something else each time.  Goes to show you just what kind of sick individual I am deep inside.....  but really, do you know when to actually "shut the ........."?  I've had my lesson in listening this week and I think I'm done speaking.... forever.

I have started a new venture called Mooresville Mission School.  It follows the Live School curriculum for learning.  I am so excited about this program.  I think.  Yes, I am.  Maybe.  We had our introductory class last night and it was pretty rocking awesome and quite scary at the same time.  One of our main facilitators is from  Mwandi, Zambia and lives there in the village and teaches Live School to people who travel miles on foot from the bush to a tent city to lodge there for months together with the other students to learn more about God's will in their life.  They sleep, eat, study and fellowship together for months on end while completing this curriculum.  Anyway, enough back story.... Our facilitator, Percy, talked about how this is less of a spiritual school and more a school about us, who we are, what our true character is and whether it lines itself up with our character in God's eyes and His will.  Lots of talk about diving in deep into ourselves and looking at what makes us tick.  Ok, am I really sure that I want to do this?  No.  I'm not sure, but am definitely forging ahead with great excitement, if that makes any sense what so ever.

One of our overviews of the upcoming lessons is about being able to take criticism from others and how to react correctly to the criticism.  Because if we are all children of God and brothers and sisters in Christ and we are speaking truth in a loving way, then how should we react to these people that we love so much?  Should we give it right back in a snarly, sarcastic and overly defensive manner?  Well, that's pretty much how I react at least on the inside and play over and over in my head on how good it would sound.  Then I blurt out something resembling, "oh yea, well you're a doo-doo head!" but in a more adult manner.  Until today that is.  I had a conversation with someone I love dearly who called me on somethings that I had said.  Really God?  Must I do the lesson early?  How should I react?  What do I want to say?  What should I say?  Was it true?  Should I defend myself?  Should I drag others into it?  All of these questions were swirling through my head as I am listening to this person.  Love.  Love.  Love.  Love.  That's the sticky sweet syrup that was pouring over my soul as I listened.  I hate syrup.  I don't like sticky, its why I detest peeling an orange and eating it.  But all I could find myself saying was, "I'm sorry.  I am so sorry.  I am sorry I hurt you.  I am sorry."  I'm sure it was boring and sounded more like begging for forgiveness, but I am truly sorry for my behavior.  But now.  Now I just wish I could crawl in a hole and stay there forever.

I know the image I had in my head last night went more like this when we were discussing the lesson.  I would sit in a circle while people threw criticism at my like helium balloons that just playfully bounced off of me and up and away the hard feelings went and we all hugged and smiled and said we loved each other and God looked down with pleasure and delight.  BOLOGNA!!!  The Oscar Meyer version!  The lesson isn't just in the act of taking it in and understanding our reaction to it, but also the carnage in the hours, days, months ahead that will constantly need to be dealt with and loved on and mended.  If I would've just thought about it at the moment and realized that I really didn't want to go down that path, maybe I could've just shut my mouth.  Maybe.

Not sure how things will turn out.  Only God knows how truly sorry I am in my heart.  Only God knows what is to come in the future.  Only God.  I must live in the moment of complete submission to His plan and do it quietly.  Listening to the Holy Spirit.

An analogy from our class last night brought amazing images to my mind.  Percy talked about how we will be stretched by the knowledge we will learn and how we will be stretched mentally when we are growing and how in doing so it will finally give the Holy Spirit room enough to dwell within us.  I can just see the Holy Spirit stretch arms out wide (yes I know there aren't arms, but go with me) and doing a verbal stretch and sigh as He makes himself comfortable in me. I want to make room for the Holy Spirit.  I want him to live in the mansion that God creates within me where he can stretch and be comfortable instead of rent controlled apartment with no indoor plumbing.

I will leave you with these tidbits from the class.  Did you know that when the song writer wrote the words for Spirit of the Living God that the lyrics were actually like the following and not watered down like they are for the hymn books:

Spirit of the living God, 
Fall afresh on me.
Spirit of the living God, 
Fall afresh on me.
Break me, melt me, 
Mold me, fill me, 
Spirit of the living God, 
Fall afresh on me.

If breaking is what I need to make room God, then start breaking....

And this:

Exodus 20:4-6

⁴ “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. ⁵ You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, ⁶ but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.

Are there areas where you need to be broken in order to grow in your spirit?  Are there areas you don't want to deal with your character?

Calming Chaos

I am making lunch. Tearing up my kitchen and making a mess. Girls are getting hamburgers but since I ran this morning, yes that's right I did it, then I decided something a bit more good for me was in store. That, plus I don't eat meat. So, I opted for stuffed acorn squash! When I sit at the banquet table in heaven I bet they have this! I love these but I make such a mess in the kitchen when I prepare them. Then, of course, those little scamps are trashing the rest of the house by making sure all of the toys are out by the time I'm done! Well worth the trade I guess. As I wait for my squash to bake, Little Dude #1 has decided to try climbing on the couch! I just want to watch clean house in denial! Why do these little creatures deny me? I've been going since 6 a.m. I have permission to babble randomness. You're welcome!

Holy Spirit

Hoofbeats, Heartbeats

I am not fun to hang around anymore.  Just read my last post for my attitude overview.  But what I mean by that statement is really something I have come to understand as my reality.  Because I decided to become vegan a few years ago, the dinner invites have drastically reduced.  And when I say drastically I mean we've only ever been asked by a handful of people to hang out and now noone asks.  At first I just chalked it up to the fact that it's totally overwhelming for people not to cook with meat and cheese.  It just sends them into a panic.  But then it's become more apparent that my attitude just sucks mostly and who wants to deal with that anyway?  I mean people have their own lives to deal with they don't need my meaningless drama oozing out of my pie-hole.  


I must exercise.  I just have to do it.  I know that my radical attitude adjustment and outlook on life will be much more positive as I beat the pavement with my Izumis.  The thought of listening to the side to side rhythms of my shoes hitting the ground makes me a bit giddy.  But then my day sets in and it doesn't happen and I throw myself on the bed like a 2 year old diva with the backside of my hand against my brow writhing in moans about how I have once again skipped my exercising.  I know.  I know without a doubt that exercising everyday or even every other day makes my overall demeanor pleasant.  


So, yesterday I downloaded the C25K app for my phone which actually syncs to my podrunner music as I go.  Whew, it was hard work downloading that app.  I think I burned .5 calories then probably ate something horrendous to offset what I just burned.  


Today, I set my alarm for 6.  I was going to get up.  I swear.  But my alarm went off and I massaged the snooze button til 7:05 which gave me 15 minutes to get ready for babies to darken my door.  I cannot do it during the day.  Not going to happen.  Why?  Well, here's the deal.  I am not bragging about this I promise you, but there isn't anyone I can call that can watch a set of one year old twins and an 18 month old and not look as though they've just been through a wind tunnel when I return.  It takes 2 or more people to make sure said toddlers don't try to take over the world while I'm gone.  The only other person that I know can do it already has a set of twins and two other kids of her own and when she's around I cannot stop staring at her amazingness!  Anyway, it's hard for me to coordinate a team of folks to come to my house just so I can get my lazy butt off the couch.  I really need to stop giving my phone alarm so much love in the morning.


It will happen, most likely tomorrow, but not promising that either.  Aren't you glad you're reading this very anti-motivational blog post about inadequacies and boredom?  See what your life has come to?  Reading my posts to make yourself feel better about your accomplishments!  I assure you, I will prevail!  It will happen and I will feel better about life.  Then, and only then will my social calendar possibly start looking up for those who actually want to put up with my presence.  LOL!!


So, here is the verse I am studying on today.  Interesting to think that the more I stay in this bad attitude place the more my life is that of a miscarriage or a stillbirth.  I must stop this nonsense.

Romans 7:4-6

The Message (MSG)

 So, my friends, this is something like what has taken place with you. When Christ died he took that entire rule-dominated way of life down with him and left it in the tomb, leaving you free to "marry" a resurrection life and bear "offspring" of faith for God. For as long as we lived that old way of life, doing whatever we felt we could get away with, sin was calling most of the shots as the old law code hemmed us in. And this made us all the more rebellious. In the end, all we had to show for it was miscarriages and stillbirths. But now that we're no longer shackled to that domineering mate of sin, and out from under all those oppressive regulations and fine print, we're free to live a new life in the freedom of God.

Forget about it.

I'm a vegan. I'm a vegan. I'm a vegan.  I say these words to myself everyday.  I have lived this way now for almost 2 years.  I find myself repeating these same words to others very often and then having to define what it means over and over.  I get that.  I am not complaining.  I am not trying to force anyone to do the same.  I am just trying to survive here people.  Everyday I wake up to the same freaking voice in my head that talks me out of exercising and talks me out of my early morning devotionals and talks me out of NOT eating those peanut butter m&m's that are from the devil's kitchen!!!!  They are not vegan, by the way.  I hate that little voice.  It is taking over my life and my body once again.  I had divorced that voice 2 years ago and said I would never ask it out again.  But here I am.  Failing miserably at being healthy.  But how, you ask, can a vegan be unhealthy.  Well, let's just say sugar and flour are vegan and I can bake and make some awesome crap to eat that has no animal parts and pieces and sit my #$$ on the couch all day and not burn it off.  I do this day in and day out.  I.  Am.  Tired.  Of.  Failing.  I am tired of turning right back into the same me I said I would never be again.  Why do I do this?  Why do I fall back into this sea of pitch black sludge and find myself perfectly comfortable there for a long period of time?  I don't even realize when I have stopped breathing and that the sludge is slowly filling my positive attitude until it chokes to death. I've tried being one with the man upstairs.  It does help.  But I find myself failing miserably at wanting to spend time with Him everyday.  I heard someone quote that if you read the bible out of obligation then it was for the wrong reasons.  I want to learn more and be deep within His presence on a daily basis, but that's it.  A desire.  Nothing more.  I can't seem to jump start that engine and get my spiritual good mood back in its place.  I am human.  I tend to suck at follow through on anything.  Except this vegan thing.  I am and have been meat free for two years and animal protein free for two years unless someone sneaks in a bit of cheese in my order.  But I have gained back a portion, and only a small portion of my weight.  But enough for me to chalk it up to one more thing I suck at.  Yes, I realize I just ended my sentence with a preposition.  I apparently forgot everything I learned in school.  Hmmm.... there is a pattern here.  So, my pity party is over, well its over in front of you.  I had no party favors to hand out with this one.  Maybe next time.  There will be a next time I'm sure. Ugh.
Pray for me.  Please.  I don't know how to kick myself in the butt anymore.

Prayer

Dear Lord,
Help me to find the time to read your word, pray with you, spend time with you alone, love, live, laugh, blog, run, smile, etc.
AMEN!!
love,
me