Gives Me the Inside Out Willies

I hate confrontation. I don't like to make anyone uncomfortable. I don't want anyone to feel uneasy around me. Therefore, my life is not exactly one of ease. Because as you know this is impossible to do all of the time, unless you're just plain heartless.

I drove to the store the other day in a different car thus I did not have my keys with my value card. Upon checkout, the cashier politely said, "no problem, I have one to swipe." Whew! I was buying a roast that was gonna save me a bundle. I finished my transaction and realized she had not done as she said she would. I inquired, "did you happen to swipe that card?" The look of oops on her face made it perfectly clear she didn't. "Oh, I'm gonna get in trouble" with the look of discomfort on her face. It was an awkward moment of looks back and forth. She finally pointed me to the service desk. I was torn. I felt sorry for her and her possible reprimand. I actually walked out then back in again. I couldn't just walk away without my savings. I ignored her plight and her pouty face. Apparently my aversion to confrontation stops when it gets to $7.03 out of my pocket. Shameful, I know.

I wish I was more confident in myself and God's presence in my life to be able to look people in their eyes and speak truth in love. It's hard. Most run the other direction when they see me coming. I'm a not-so-good fellowship group leader. When I go to approach my group members at church they turn their heads and walk the other way. I don't think they want to meet. I leave them alone. I don't attempt a second time to discuss. Maybe my time has come to let go. Hmmmmm....when people run the other way? Yea, maybe.

I get nervous. My stomach churns. My lungs flutter with each breath in and out. My organs feel as though they are electrified and carry a current back to my brain saying "run, run like the wind."

Boy, I wish I could grow up! Maybe some day.

Thank you God for your ever present blessings in my life. Help me to be more dependent on you and not me. Help me to understand that it's you I lean on. Lord, bless those in my life. Bless them beyond measure! Thank you God!