Fear and Trembling

Isn't it funny (funny, odd, not funny, ha, ha) how fear RULES our world? "What If" the stock market falls, he crashes on his bike, the wind picks up, it snows while we're here, my heart gets broken, I'm rejected.....I have cancer. What if....what if.....what.....if......Fear plays a huge part in how we move, live, speak, play, love. I've tried to be a parent who embraces all...I try not to pass on my reluctancy in certain situations to my kids. I do not want them to have a fear brought on by me. Fear of heights, fear of rejection, etc. There are definitely lots of creepy, crawly things that show up in my life that I must embrace and encourage the curiosity and learn more about them. God created all things. My new mantra.
I wrenched my back a week or so ago and wake up every day in slow motion. Not for sharp needles of pain, but for the constant dull chronic pain of an injury that I still have no idea what it is....therefore fear of having the pain so intense again. I then received some news from the doc that this foreign object in my neck will need to be biopsied. The dreaded word...biopsy. Bringing all sorts of conotations to mind as to the definition of the lump. All research is completely positive as to the statistical outcome of said lump. But as for all statistics, by definition there is a percentage to the contrary. That is what I do not want to focus on. I am trying to remain realistic and smart, but not allowing negativity into my thoughts, if that even makes sense to those reading this. I do not live an organic, nontoxic lifestyle...in other words I live outside the bubble. So I am perfectly aware of the odds I have placed on my health to go either way. Fear, hmmm, is it playing a part? Of course it is. It's like getting on a roller coaster and then being absolutely terrified of the ride until you stop. White nuckled, holding on, looking around to see when I vomit who will bear the brunt of my lunch, trying to tame the swarm of fireflies taking flight in my belly and toes. My coaster car is click, click, clicking slowly, agonizingly up the chain, the fear mounting as we reach the top knowing that it will be a wild ride once the horizon is fully visible. I'm not scared of the big "C", I am fearful of the situation I have placed my family and friends in. Fear comes from the unknown, ignorance, complete denial, etc. I plan on smartin' up on the whole thing and trying to be well versed in my life. What a concept. I read recently that if we constantly compare ourselves to our old past lives wishing things would stay the same we will be asking ourselves to do the impossible, but if we look at where we are in our lives today by celebrating the accomplishments along the way. "Look how far we've come since last year!" Not what if I have cancer, but look at where I am in my life now to handle this little detail! God knows what he's doing without consulting me, thank goodness for all of you!
There is no fear in the kingdom mentality! It's not about me, or you, or our fears. It is about getting busy doing the work for the kingdom that God has commanded and doing it every moment of every day. Thank you God for the gift of suffering, so that I may cherish those times of no suffering even more. Read Matthew 28 and know that He is with you ALWAYS!

What the World needs now, is ______ sweet_____!

You know you're singing that song, it's now stuck in your head. I'm sure you've filled in the blanks already with the appropriate word. "LOVE". SWEET LOVE.

My family and I have the distinct pleasure in being on the same planet as a wonderful missionary, Debbie. I have known Debbie all of my life. Her mom and mine were college roommates and my big sis, Mel, and Deb were the same age and have shared a kindred spirit all of their lives as wonderful friends. Although our families did not live in close proximity, we lived close in our hearts.

Debbie is a wonderful woman and a gracious one. She would not approve of my high accolades in what she does and how she lives her life, but I'm givin' 'em anyway because she is an inspiration to me. You see, Debbie is a missionary with AIM in Kenya. You may say, ok, I know some of those, great people.... and? Well, Debbie has been a missionary since she graduated college. She has been in Africa for 20+ years. Her first teaching gig was in the Congo. As some of you may keep up with African history, the Congo has not been the most peaceful place to live. She evacuated under some tense situations there in the past, not to belittle by leaving it at that, but I cannot do the story justice trying to explain the adrenaline rush one must get by fleeing. She has also been in villages close to Nairobi when she once again had to evacuate quickly. She keeps her candle burning in Africa. She is home when she is in Africa.

I questioned her about her decision at such a young age to become a missionary to Africa, a country she had never visited. Debbie knew at that time that God was calling her for mission work in a country where she could use her French speaking skills. She followed that calling and all resources and heartbeats led her to Africa.

I had to know for me, what impressed upon her not to retreat to the states after two times of fleeing areas she called home? Debbie recalls a time when she first lived in Africa and visited a couple who were missionaries, interpreters. Although she did not know when they had time to be interpreters because they had people knocking on their doors all hours of the day and night seeking help, refuge, comfort, etc. These interpreters spent their time serving, not some, not a few, not this one or that, but all of those people. Debbie remembers lovingly, and tearfully thinking, "I want to live here long enough to love the people of Africa THAT much!" WOW! What a testimony. What an embarkment into the Kingdom mentality so many of us long to know, to experience just once, but for some it's a Kingdom lifestyle. I want to live on this earth long enough to LOVE people THAT much. Thank you Deb, you are a blessing to all of the lives you touch. God Bless you and His mission for you! I LOVE YA!

My Funny Valentine

Wow, reading back over some of my posts is quite depressing! So here goes..... an upbeat post! I know it's a shocker!

This past weekend I had the pleasure of attending one of the premier arts events in the Birkdale area. I know, some of you now feel so left out! My brother, AJ, had some of his awesome photography up for auction to raise money for a business in the area that deals in fair trade items from all over the world. Anyway, it was quite successful and there were other vendors and entertainers there as well for the cause. Check out his photos here


As the jazz band started playing "My Funny Valentine" my mother said "I have to go get your father, we need to dance!" Sooooo funny! She's still so in love with him and visa versa. Get a room! They danced for a few minutes and mom's knees couldn't take it through the whole song, so I got to stand in for her and dance with my dad. How awesome is that?! After a struggle with who's exactly leading this one and few twirls we were done. I had forgotten how much I missed dancing with my dad. I remember when I was little standing on his feet and wrapping my arm around him and dancing around the room with an occasional twirl and a dip that would end up in laughing hysterically! I love Memory Lane, it's my favorite street!

SPIT IT OUT!! NOW!! Love, God

Why do I act the way I do? I am completely passionate about everything and I hate that! Because I feel that way about everything I find that when things don't go my way I get ANGRY! I'm quite the loud mouth anyway so you can imagine where the anger spews from.

I am a complete and utter mess. So I have gotten the royal spanking of my adult life this week and now am in the proverbial time out chair sulking in my own temper tantrum residue, yes with the lip out and everything!

In trying to decipher what comes next for me I find myself lost. I think because my "self" is apparently not at all a viable member of society. I have failed in 98% of the areas in my life, i.e. wife, mother, friend, Christian, person, and the list goes on.... So in reflection of my staunch discipline I have decided to look at things in my life that need changing. First of all, my anger vomit. The ole literature rich technicolor yawn! Porcelain throne mouth! That's me apparently and I need to do something about it.

Anger, what is it? Here's one definition: a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance. I believe mine is regarding the latter, the supposed grievance. You see, if I get upset or angry it's only a mysterious hormonal event by most and is completely invalid, therefore I am wrong in being angry. So, what does that mean? I know the sin isn't in the anger it is in what you do with that anger. Shutting things out of my life - sin. Dealing with anger by avoidance - sin. It means that I must choose not to get angry, at anyone, ever again. I obviously cannot be angry without sin, so anger must go. SPIT IT OUT!!! Pbth! Pbth! Patooy!

I have swallowed my pride so often this week that I am to the point of having a serious lump in my throat and I fear it's philosophically cancerous. It may spread to my heart and harden it altogether. If that happens will my blood then run cold? Not sure..... I do know however that what I am to work on is keeping it from coming out of my mouth and splattering on the cold tile floor and up the walls of my life. There is no way on God's green earth to clean up that mess once it's there. I need an anger antacid.

I am seriously going to change, with God's help and guidance. I am confused however at what that is, how to achieve it and just how long it may take. I have felt that up to this point God and I have had a pretty good relationship in communication only to find out it was only my imagination, so I don't know anymore when I'm hearing Him if it's really Him or just some two-horned, long-tailed creature disguising his voice. I DO know I have to be in the Word daily and follow my own advice and take time for myself for that personal reflection with God. I'm sure the answer lies there. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to be a bad Christian. I want to be a loving caring person to everyone. I want to learn to keep my mouth shut (super glue may help). I want to be good. I want to be who God wants me to be.

Stop the Madness!

I have come to realize in this day and age that lying has become the norm in our society. Quite shocking and extremely hard to live a "real" life in the midst of it.

When we got our cat the previous owners told us all about him. "Merlin, does not like his food without the bowl being on the food mat, he loves baths, he doesn't like people much, very skiddish, likes to actually say the word "hello" in the morning, hates it when the vacuum cleaner is on (so do I), etc." We found out after much love and affection that Merlin, the world's most awesome cat, loves people (sometimes too much), eats whatever, whenever, wherever, but doesn't like to be alone when he eats, HATES with a passion baths (duh, he's a cat), doesn't give a rat's behind about the vacuum cleaner (bummer, I thought we were kindred spirits on that one), and last but not least, to everyone's shock and amazement, he cannot say the word "hello". However, he can talk "meow", an ancient feline language only understood by humans under the age of 10.

Here's another example. Upon an invitation to a birthday gathering a 17 year old confirmed that he would be attending, but in a different conversation with the maternal unit of said teen it was relayed to me that she would have to reconfirm in private whether or not said teen actually wanted to attend, because this maternal unit's children often lie to people and then in private tell mom and dad they don't wanna. Sure, I'm comfortable with that...........I could've gone a long time without knowing that one. Is ignorance lying? Now I'm never sure when we're around each other whether anyone wants to be there or not.

The best one I can think of to date is a story my dad loves to tell about my oldest brother and a little friend of his when they were probably 4 or 5 years old. My dad was going to take them out for lunch and when he picked up this little girl from her house, her mother proceeded to tell him how she didn't eat certain foods, i.e. hamburgers, fries, etc. OK then, off to Mickey D's they went anyway to pick up lunch. When ordering he turned to the little one and asked her what she would like to eat for lunch. She said very confidently, "A cheeseburger happy meal." Dad inquired, very confused, "but your mommy said you didn't like to eat those things." To which she replied, "sometimes I fool my mommy!"

Why is it that we find it so hard to be honest? What makes it ok to teach our kids to keep the truth from others? I find it so hard to decipher whether or not people are being honest or just being "nice" by not telling the truth. Like that's gonna help. In this season of political banter, congressional sized untruths, corporate coverups, mistrust in the market, I think it's time we call for a change in ourselves to be more honest with one another. There is a reason why we don't trust anyone from Wall street to Pennsylvania Ave. to Hometown Road. It starts at home.

I am just really pleading for my own sanity here. I do not like to be surprised after a "real" fake conversation that it was all just a ruse. Be Real. Please Be Real. It's ok to have faults. Celebrate your personality, like it's your own....duh. God made us the way we are for reason. You were made to fit snuggly into another's life journey at different times and different seasons. You're messing with the Big Guys plans when you hide yourself and the truth. Don't hide from that for fear of hurting feelings, rejection, or heartache. Be yourself, your beautiful, wonderful, odd, quirky, ever-so-perfectly created by God self. And for goodness sakes, if those pants DO make my butt look big please tell me!!!

The Hat

Oh my goodness, I have found another obsession to fill my spare minutes (ha!). Check it out, though! Sarah and I (shhh! and Matthew) have taken on crocheting this week. Quite fun to make something with your own two hands. Whether you fashion a necklace and bracelet for all of the important people in your life (Jake) (shhh! or you make an ever-so-masculine bracelet) or a hat. I am so proud of this hat! I started last night and finished this a.m. I think I slept, but I may have dreamed of things like fptr on the ch-1 sp, rep rem st, then * around...just trying to decipher the pattern terminology was a challenge enough, but now I feel as though I have mastered a new foreign language! Whoo Hoo! Those of you in the inner circle expect handmade articles for Christmas, i.e. clothing for you and your coffee cups and extra t.p. rolls! Make sure I know your favorite color, I'd hate for you to get something you'd never use. LOL! Stay tune for the sequels to the hat..... the mittens and the scarf!

Extraordinary Recipe Blog - CuisineNie

Check it out! Very good stuff!
Click here for recipes, vegetarian and such!
Our day meals:
WholeWheat Spaghetti for lunch - quite scrumptious!
Dinner was Mexican Lasagna - awesome choice! with Peanut Butter Cookies for Dessert! YUMMY!

Excellence

I love my two bestest girlfriends, they are the best! We have been in discussion over the past week and a half about excellence. A hard to define state of living. What I have come to understand in my life is that excellence is a very abstract word. It's like trying to describe love, or hate, or what blue tastes like! Everyone has their own opinion of what they think excellence is or is not. Some fear that wanting excellence is wanting perfection, I beg to differ. Excellence is defined as that by which any one excels or is eminent: a virtue. That definition is still a vague representation of the word. In God's word we are called to bring our all in our worship, reverence, homes, work, parenting, etc. Although wonderful concept I find myself questioning my ability to do so. I so desperately want to bring my excellence, my best, not perfection by any means, but my all in all that I do.
I have had a lesson in humility this week as I have thought about what I do bring to the table. I have no room to talk about wanting others to strive for excellence if I am not willing to do it to the fullest myself! I want to be there, though. I have a dear friend who recently wrote a bible study for our retreat where Shalom is defined as the kind of peace that results from being a whole person in right relationship to God and to one's fellow man. Whew! No wonder I am not at peace right now. But that is what I long for..... Shalom. I desire to experience that. I know that comes with excellence in attitude, wanting to only give your best to all, especially the Good Lord above!
Lord, I give thanks to you today for the friends you have so graciously and gently placed in my life. As I strive for excellence and peace within your will I ask that you continue to watch over me and my family. I thank you for the blessings upon blessings to bestow to us every day we're waken by the sunshine. Lord, bless those that are reading this and place your hand upon them today and everyday. Help them to know that I love them. In Jesus Christ, AMEN!!!

I can smell orange.....

Can you? It's coming and it's in the air. The most beautiful time of the year for me is autumn. The time of year when the Aspen trees quake with a whole new sound of a clapping audience instead of the ever subtle quake in the summer. The time when the sun denies the leaves and they turn colors that seem more radiant than the year before. Colors man has not been able to quite imitate at the chip selector at your favorite paint place! Butternut soup, broiled acorn squash, roasted pumpkin seeds, the smell of sunshine on the clothesline, the crisp breeze through the drapes. I can smell the orange color in the air. The color scarecrows long for. The color of my soul inside. The quiet, lingering, rich, burnt orange. I hope I don't forget the orange when the light blue aroma of summer returns. Indian corn, hay bales, stattice flowers and the streams of sunlight in the window....autumn.