Why do I act the way I do? I am completely passionate about everything and I hate that! Because I feel that way about everything I find that when things don't go my way I get ANGRY! I'm quite the loud mouth anyway so you can imagine where the anger spews from.
I am a complete and utter mess. So I have gotten the royal spanking of my adult life this week and now am in the proverbial time out chair sulking in my own temper tantrum residue, yes with the lip out and everything!
In trying to decipher what comes next for me I find myself lost. I think because my "self" is apparently not at all a viable member of society. I have failed in 98% of the areas in my life, i.e. wife, mother, friend, Christian, person, and the list goes on.... So in reflection of my staunch discipline I have decided to look at things in my life that need changing. First of all, my anger vomit. The ole literature rich technicolor yawn! Porcelain throne mouth! That's me apparently and I need to do something about it.
Anger, what is it? Here's one definition: a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance. I believe mine is regarding the latter, the supposed grievance. You see, if I get upset or angry it's only a mysterious hormonal event by most and is completely invalid, therefore I am wrong in being angry. So, what does that mean? I know the sin isn't in the anger it is in what you do with that anger. Shutting things out of my life - sin. Dealing with anger by avoidance - sin. It means that I must choose not to get angry, at anyone, ever again. I obviously cannot be angry without sin, so anger must go. SPIT IT OUT!!! Pbth! Pbth! Patooy!
I have swallowed my pride so often this week that I am to the point of having a serious lump in my throat and I fear it's philosophically cancerous. It may spread to my heart and harden it altogether. If that happens will my blood then run cold? Not sure..... I do know however that what I am to work on is keeping it from coming out of my mouth and splattering on the cold tile floor and up the walls of my life. There is no way on God's green earth to clean up that mess once it's there. I need an anger antacid.
I am seriously going to change, with God's help and guidance. I am confused however at what that is, how to achieve it and just how long it may take. I have felt that up to this point God and I have had a pretty good relationship in communication only to find out it was only my imagination, so I don't know anymore when I'm hearing Him if it's really Him or just some two-horned, long-tailed creature disguising his voice. I DO know I have to be in the Word daily and follow my own advice and take time for myself for that personal reflection with God. I'm sure the answer lies there. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. I don't want to be a bad Christian. I want to be a loving caring person to everyone. I want to learn to keep my mouth shut (super glue may help). I want to be good. I want to be who God wants me to be.
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