People pleaser and my selfish desire

Why is it that we humans are fueled in propulsion by our emotions?  This isn't a surprise to us.  It is obvious that we all have them.  The one thing that has been playing in my head recently is truth in emotions.  Not "truth in love" but in emotions.  Are they true?  How can we tell?  When do we act on them or when do we ignore them and wait til they calm down?  But mostly, how do we react to them?  Some set out to say things on purpose to make us feel guilty, sad, mad, depressed, angry.  Some speak truth to us and we decide to be convicted in the truth because we know they love us.  I find it hard for me to feel conviction instead of defensiveness.  That is the very fine line.  I want to listen better.

I harbor a grudge.  I know, you're dumbfounded.  Me?  A grudge?  How could that be possible?  Yea, I see your tongue in your cheek when asking!  My grudge is from unresolved feelings of sadness, betrayal, mistrust, yadda, yadda, yadda.  I had resolved to discussion.  An adult to adult, what I thought was good friend to good friend discussion.  Yea, well, that didn't work.  I was shut down from the start of my conversation with a resounding and quite hurtful comment about not loving them.  I was frankly shocked.  With all that we had been through, all that we had done together, feelings shared, prayers, fervent prayers for each other and our families over years of friendship how could that be the first thing that pops into their head that I don't love them?  We've never spoken about this subject again and it eats away at me every time I think about my friend.  Simply because I miss them.  I miss them more than you can imagine.  I miss the fantasy of the friendship I was having.  I became well aware that the feelings did not go both ways and I'm sad.  I can't really see what I'm typing right now because I'm bawling like a baby.  It still hurts months later.  I see them occasionally but our relationship is based on a very superficial plane.  That's where they need it, I guess.

I'm a pretty real person.  To my own detriment I lay it all out there for the world to see and sometimes the world is cruel.  I don't know about truth in my emotions anymore.  I'm just gonna chalk it up to PMS 365 days a year.  Hey, if its a good argument in court cases then I should be able to ride this wave forever!!!!  

Patsy Clairmont, a speaker with Women of Faith, was giving a small devotion on the radio station I listen to and she was talking on this subject.  How do you know when you're supposed to approach someone about what God is telling you to say? How do you know its God and not your own misguided selfishness?  She said, "If you can't wait to tell that person, then it's probably your own selfish desire to want to speak the truth, but if you have prayed about this and still have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that won't go away then you are most likely getting a urge from God to talk to them."  I know it sounds odd, if it's painful it probably has God behind it!?  Really?  She's right, unfortunately for me.  You see the fear of the pain keeps me from wanting to ever confront this friend, but the pain in my  heart now makes it impossible to keep up this relationship because it hurts to talk to them, or see them without feeling those feelings again.

1 Corinthians 10: 31-33 says, " So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

Sometimes "to the glory of God" isn't pretty.  Sometimes my "pleasing everybody" is just downright wrong.  Sometimes seeking my own good keeps me from things too painful.  What now?  Because I don't want to care anymore.  I think I'm too far gone on this one.

Dear God, help me now.  I love my friend.  What now?  Amen.